It hurts so much that I can't even remember the life I've had before these things happened. They made me stronger, but at the same time, I became more vulnerable. Peoples' expectations became my own. Fuck whoever said 'be yourself' and 'people love you the way you are'.

I'm so tired of putting up a strong front, for acting like I know what I'm doing when I honestly don't, for having to hold up a mask of perfection and confidence. I should have know, I was never good enough for this.

Results will be released on the 4th of March, if information is right. That's 3 weeks away. DAMN. Which means application is likely to follow soon after and I've got to finish up my portfolio and stuff before that. Instruction on their page is a little vague; am I supposed to submit a physical portfolio accompanied by a CD with all the materials or just the CD? I'm assuming it's the former, since they said copies of works are to be submitted. Oh well, being the kiasu Singaporean I am, I shall prepare both. It's going to be pretty uh...tedious? I've managed to sort out some works to submit, but I've yet to write down stuff about them. Then there's personal statement, which in a mere 300 words essay I have to cover so many points, including 3 indivduals who have inspired me. Excuse me, but excluding the reasons why I want to join ADM and why should ADM accept me, I have approximately 60 words for each individual. Then there's creative writing/film, for which the second option is entirely not viable since I'm a sucker at multimedia stuff. So all I can say is, beware my powderful Engrish.

Then there's the 3 drawings which I'm pretty excited about, but I'm worried, because I'm the kind of person who'll take eons to do something and chuck it away in the end. It's the same logic behind why I feel like I want to throw every single piece of my artwork into the bin. A little warped, I know, but that's the way it is, and if I don't start NOW, literally, I'm 100% sure I'll still be working on it the day before the submission deadline. (Even if I say so, I'm pretty sure I won't start work until 1 week later.) Whole lot of excuses like, I need more practice on observational drawing before I do the actual one, need some time to find inspiration for the designs and comic strip, etc. My life is full of fail, I'm serious. Why can't I churn out creative juices, or even better, be oozing them out.

So this post has turned entirely into a rant about university application which should have either occurred earlier, or turned up later. Go figure, my brain works in a way even I don't get.

Maybe it's time I go organise my portfolio and never touch it again until submission day.