Anyway, that kind of dawned on me because I realised that on IE, words on my blog are really small. Especially Chinese. So yea, tweaked the template a little, now it looks better.

用中文，用上瘾了。最近说话也常用华语；也不是说平常没在用华语沟通，是比较频繁就对了。这整个星期，好累。异常地累。有种什么都不想做的感觉。每天都在盼望周末的到来，很没意义，不是吗？

很想自己去看部电影。我觉得那是一件很幸福的一件事。对，我就是那么古怪。但我觉得，自己，没什么不好的啊。每个人都需要有自己的空间，自己的时间。可能是独生女的关系，我习惯了‘自己’的感觉。

有点在语无伦次了，感觉有点累。

最近超想骂粗话的，也不知道为什么。总之有很多事发生，而且，我也不是以前的那个乖小孩了。现在不玩，要等到几时？

睡了。半夜再起来吧。终于熬到星期五了。TGIF.

其实我应该睡了，但还是很想打文章。说真的，没什么特别的意义。

和队友看了《艋舺》。好热血的一部电影！我不常看电影，也不会评论一部电影是好是坏，但我真的很喜欢这部电影。帅哥是原因之一，但不是最重要的啦。它给了我一种很真实的感觉；虽然我根本没看过80年代的风貌，但从这部片稍微能感受到生活在那时代的感觉。而且我觉得它带出了很多主题，而这些主题的交集点对我来说很深刻。总之，我只能说，我还想再看一次，再感受一次那份热血，我想我不管看几次都不会累。

其实我在这几天，或者说这几个礼拜，想了很多。球队的事，课业，Faculty（我真的很想知道这翻译成什么），家庭，自己，朋友。换个方式说，我何时不在想这些事嘛，真是的。有痛，有血，有泪，有笑，有伤，有怒，有恨，有爱，还有很多东西，其实都是我们都经历过的。就如标题，全都是成长所必经的过程。总觉得，有了这些，才会感觉到自己真正存在，这不只是个很长很长的梦。我在博客上说过，在我很小的时候，常问妈妈我是不是活在梦里，是不是有一天睡着的人醒来了，我就会消失不见。小时候也很喜欢想，人死了到底会怎么样；是不是还有意识，只不过不能的动，还是会到另外一个地方去，或者就消失不见。

长大了，其实还是会思考这个问题，但不同的是，想着想着，总会把自己拉回现实，责备自己，干吗想那么无聊的东西，好好过日子不就好了。也对啦。但说真的我还是很好奇。

其实人人常挂在嘴边的“意义”，到底是什么？套句《艋舺》里的话，“意义是三小，你老爹只听过义气，没听过意义啦！” 可是那不是重点啦。但人们常说，要找人生的意义，可那到底是什么啊？因人而异，我知道，但是我们朝向的，不就是一条路吗？路虽然是自己选的，终点还不是一样。

我发觉我是个很忧郁、很悲观的人。但那也只限于人生观吧。我待人处事的态度还是挺积极、乐观的。之中的反差，我也不了解，更不想去了解。简直是无痛抓痒嘛。其实想一想，我也没想象中那么乐观。可能别人看起来是这么一回事，但谁知道我独自一个人时是在想什么。但我不喜欢把悲伤挂在脸上。别人碰触到伤疤，狠狠地在上面划多一刀，我也宁愿笑着面对他，在私底下哭泣。不管有意或无意，这对我来说也是疗伤的过程吧。

Wai Yee told me before, I'm not easy to read. 当时我否定了她，但想一想，其实那是真的。我很少把真正的感情透露出来，把心中的感觉摆在脸上。表面上很随和。。。吧。至少我是这么认为。

谈了很多，也还有很多东西想说，但我再不睡，明天就完了。

可能会有很多人认为，我很“假”。Act cheem. 我不知道。可能我也这么认为把。

题外话-我房间要变蚂蚁窝了！恶心死了。

可能这几天还会心血来潮，在打几篇中文文章。没想特别让人看，想为自己生活做个记录罢了。

And my resolution is FAIL. Working on the Eiffel Tower. I'm worried that I can't complete by Wednesday. I'll try!

I need sleeeeeeeep. And elevation for my ankle. Its bloody three weeks and its still swollen. Damn.

Yawn.

I'm in a relatively delirious mood now, cause its 1 freaking am. And I'm tired. But Fac outing was really fun and I hope all those who came enjoyed themselves. (:

Had great fun dressing as an ah lian. I think its in me. Lol.

Woo. Okay SLEEP.

I hope my Eiffel Tower turns out well. :S Please pray hard for me.

I think my ankle's getting worse lately, must have been walking too much. Its a lot less swollen, but it hurts like hell. Must be no more cushioning from the swelling, haha.

I'm feeling fat! HELP!

Resolution for the rest of the year: SLEEP AT 11PM!

Which means now. So good night!

My ankle in its full glory. Well. I can only think of the word 'fat' when I see it. Or fat and purple. Haha. I bet inside is some mass of blood or something.

):

Playing DS games for the entire day. Completed some Kindaichi game. Now playing Trauma Centre. Haha its bloody difficult. I failed a surgery like 4 times in a row. Lol.

Anyway, my knee is starting to ache from sitting too much. Only the right apparently, IDK why.

Back to playing.

And to put it straightforwardly, I didn't get into the team.

But I don't actually want to say anything here. If I'm comfortable with you, I'll tell you.

Went for Huang Cheng. I liked it. (: Especially the last story. The second one, I'm sorry, got me disagreeing slightly. The first one was not bad too, but parts of it was slightly contradictory (to me.) And since I'm no qualified theater critique, I think I'm in no position to er..critic it. But those are just how I felt.

I'm sorry, Wai Yee, that outburst was a little sudden.

No matter how much I prepared myself beforehand, when the news actually hits, I just can't control myself. And doesn't help that she made it sound like she was really sorry about it, when I feel like just telling her, cut the crap, do I look like I don't know?

Ahh. I'm in a mess now. Shall sleep early and wake up early to do work. WORK HARD FOR As FOR As! :D So cute right.

SMILE!

But I guess the way of telling myself how much I'd rather be playing on court. No matter how much I grumble and swear and bitch and complain about, I still want to be there, albeit suffering, but enjoying it. Contradictory, I know, but I think all of us feel this way, if not we won't be fighting so hard for a place on the team.

It kind of woke me up though, that things never always go as how you have planned it out to be.

I guess yesterday was a premonition of this, since my dad was ranting on about how I can't protect myself and walk properly for nuts; I just keep bruising myself all over my legs, its like I can't walk on my two feet properly. I'm starting to suspect there's something wrong too, seeing as how I am always bruising myself.

Anyway. Trip to the doctor's was..kind of mundane until this exciting and happening thing happened. Haha. If you want to know you can come and ask me. I'll be glad to share, even though I only know bits of the story. But it was kind of a real-life drama; a good distraction from the CNA channel on the TV (though it wasn't too bad as well). Yea. Almost $200. Piang. I don't care the school better give me back my money. -.-

I think adults are..I don't even know what adjective to use to describe. Haha. Or maybe its just these people, my dad would agree. He was there with me. Well. Just weird, I guess.

Oh I need to go do some stuff before I sleep.

Overly exciting day. Not in a good sense.

Not in school today. Would rather be though. Considering how difficult it is to live through the damn noise.

Not doing too well. I really don't want to go back to that period of time, but I feel myself slipping off unconsciously. No. I don't want to. Help me.

I think I've been..unstable? I don't know, I'm getting a little more delirious than usual with all that drilling; I swear its going to my head, pun fully intended.

Netball has been on my mind fully these days, good or bad, I have no idea. I'm excited about seasons, really, I am. No matter how much I complain and swear, I still want to play. I still want to be out there on the court fighting for all of us. I hope I'm of some use at least. I'm becoming more and more useless. And cowardly.

I don't know what my heart really wants. I need like, around an hour to self-talk before a training. Which is really draining. And explains why I look like some zombie before training. I know I keep saying I want to give up, but I know I will not. And I have to struggle to keep me going. Its..tiring. And the next day I'm utterly drained.

Freak. I'm not even good enough as a player myself.

And I go through it over and over again before I go on court. Keep telling myself I can do it, keep convincing myself that I'm needed, keep reprimanding myself for lowering my own self-worth.

And it hurts like hell.

Because no matter how much I try to convince myself, I keep coming back to the same conclusion. Yet I keep fighting and fighting just to resist the urge to give up everything. I think about the people I'm letting down and I'm forced to keep going on. Teammates who are working just as hard on court, teammates who are sitting on the sidelines cheering us on. I know I can't let them down. Yet I feel like I'm too weak for them to rely on me.

Okay I really need to stop. Its dragging me down even more.

Got to get some panadol. Urk.