♥ , My Garden of Eden.

EXTREME HIGH, extreme low.

♥Saturday, February 28, 2009.

Yea. I should just blog with my post title someday. I think it is able to fully express how I feel. Yah. So as it says, today was full of extreme highs and extreme lows.

Extreme high was of course POP! OMG APOLLO WON THE FAC DANCE COMPETITION! LIKE AHHHHHHHHHH! We were damn high especially at the moment they announced Apollo! LIKE OMG OMG OMG! It was a moment of laughter, screams, joy and tears (of joy, of course). And it really felt like all our efforts paid off. ESPECIALLY SIYU AND ANZAI, AND NOT FORGETTING OUR FAC HEADS ALFRED AND YINGMING! (: AND WHOLE OF APOLLO! (: It was tiring, going home late everyday, with trainings and fac dance practices. But it never failed to cheer me up that there was always fac dance training (albeit left only a few people, haha) even after training! OMG AND I WAS DAMN HIGH! Like OMG! And yes, I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY LOVE APOLLO! (:

AND OMG I SERIOUSLY LOVE 09S73 TOO! (: Like everyone was mugging dance! And I'm really really really really proud to be in this class! LOVE YALL! (: And truth or dare was funny! Haha Zhensheng is the ultimate EVIL! LOL. We need to have him around for every truth or dare session man. Haha!

Phew, it got my adrenaline pumping just typing that paragraph. Cause I'm still in the extreme low state so its very hard to recreate the high-ness I was in at the point in time.

And seriously, just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm going to be torn to pieces. I don't know who to talk to, how to talk and seriously I'm at a freaking loss right now. And someone just popped me that question again. Haha. Is it meant to be this way?

I wonder how she felt. :S Seriously I think I can empathise with her. And I realise that I admire her because she went through all the shit. All the criticisms.

It freaking hurts. Seriously. To know about it, know about who. And its freaking tempting. But like I was just telling someone, I will feel like a fake/poser for doing that. But, the more I'm asked about it, the more unsure I am; about my answer and about my actions.

I think everything in my life is really screwed up now. Studies, netball. Like I've said in one of the previous posts before, these are the only things I have now. These are the only things that are hanging on to my sanity. But it feels to me that both of them are slipping away slowly. Its uncontrolable. And I'm putting all my chances on it now. If I don't get it, these two years are going to be a torture for me. I really really really want it.

I'm such a selfish piece of shit. Freak.

|| At 12:15 AM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Aching.

♥Tuesday, February 24, 2009.

I AM TIRED. As I have been the past two weeks. Lol. Sounds kinda pathetic. Its like only two weeks into school and I'm this tired. :S And I'm aching from weights yesterday (apparently only my shoulders blades there are aching, like huh? ) and dance today. (:

Excuse me while I proclaim once again. WOO HOO I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY LOVE APOLLO FAC DANCE. (:

Especially the 100+% versions. HAHA damn got kick okay. LOL. And our cap is freaking cool. (: Just that dancing with it is just sweat, sweat and even more sweat. Which is kinda disgusting. But whatever, we own anyway. (:

Oh and on the way home today, while on 154, my bus went past the SIM that area. which reminded me of the time when some gigantic tree collapsed in the middle of the road and Joleen and I had to walk to Clementi. It was really damn fun lah! Haha. But that was like, when we were Sec 1 or 2 I think. Haha. Its like a once in a lifetime experience. LOL.

And my homework is currently stagnanted. :S Cause I am tired like anything. I am contemplating waking up at 3am to continue because I'm in a state of inactivity. But I need to at least wait until nba is out. Exciting-ness. Cause if its at 2.30 we can make it in time for FAC DANCE FULL DRESS REHEARSAL! OMG excitingness. So yea. Haha.

Oh and I am freaking tell you I got burst blood vessels on my thighs. Haha from the beat thing. My blood vessels are seriously weak. ><

OMG. Haha. I just remembered tomorrow got Chinese ting xie. Haha. Goodness me. Fine I shall do a little bit of work now. If not tomorrow GG. :S

|| At 9:18 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Tired. ><

♥Sunday, February 22, 2009.

Was really tired today. Must be because of the slight (hopefully) flu I'm coming down with. Like, I slept a few hours in the afternoon but I'm still feeling groggy and all. Grahness. Anyway, I think today was a 'not-bad' productivity day. (: Went to my aunt's house cause I really needed help with deciphering the newspaper article Ms Chai gave. It was like, bombastic words everywhere.

Anyway, I managed to almost complete my econs homework, so that was not bad. I'm just kinda lazy to continue where I left off. Haha. And I managed to understand the article with the help of my cousin. Yes, powerfulness. (: And it actually made quite a lot of sense to me and I realize how powerless we people are. Seeing that 'real' money actually isn't that real after all. :S

And I went through bio notes but there's still some parts a bit blur to me. :S

Anyways. I guess it has a been a good start, for the first week. Besides all the sleepiness and all. :S But I feel kinda bad to be staying back everyday for either training or fac dance. :P

Anyways. I haven't started on my knowledge bank book. Anyone to hi five? :S

|| At 11:17 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

happy belated 4th birthday to my beloved blog. (:

♥Saturday, February 21, 2009.

As the title says. (: Felt lame and went to check when was my first post and it turned out to be on 1st Feb. Kinda cool, I guess. (: And its kinda fun looking through archives once in a while. Can really find new stuff about yourself that you can't exactly remember. :S

Like how i used to think I was more of a language person than a science person. Haha I'm neither I guess. I'm like in between, struggling for both. :S Patheticness.

And we sound really scared of our seniors in Sec 1. Hahaha. And yes I think I can still remember how it was like. Haha. Yet I still kind of miss being there, because no matter how fierce we thought they were, we still respected them alot alot alot. (: And I miss being a Sec 1. Haha.

Okay I'm tired from reading past posts. Haha.

And yes, shoutout again: I LOVE APOLLO FAC DANCE! (: Haha, for the 'I don't know how many' th time. Was trying to perfect the moves just now. Hell of a workout. (:

Am preventing myself from whining. Haha even though I really want to.

And today I found out a lot more about people, like through blogs. (: And I think I'm very clueless about people, which seems quite pathetic. No wonder I need people like Joleen around me. (: Which reminds me, I really miss being with Joleen. Haha aren't you honoured! LOL. Let's have a Jo outing soon man, though neither of us can remember which installment or part it is already. Haha.

Anyway I'm heating up my dad's and my dinner. Cause my mum went to play mahjong. Lol. So taitai. :S Going for dinner soon. BYES. (:

|| At 9:09 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Messed up.

♥Friday, February 20, 2009.

Title says it all. Feeling like I just got dumped into a blender and everything is getting mashed and mixed up right now. ):

Its the feeling of looking into the projection of future and reminding you of your own past and feeling the regret for not realizing it/not being able to realize it in the present. It really sucks.

I've been popped a question many many many times. I can't even remember how many times I've had to go through the pain of having to get reminded of it. I'm not blaming those who asked; if I wasn't me, I think I will be curious too. But I really have the same fear as everyone. Same uncertainty.

Today was a good day for me until that. Doesn't mean that it spoilt my day, but it just made me feel really messed up, like I said, because it was a flood of emotions looking at the videos, the people and their actions.

I think I'm just giving lame excuses. I know I can always do it if I want to, but I don't have anymore confidence in myself that I will do well.

My senses can't help but get more screwed up by the minute. The only thing I can do now is drop it, and never look back.

But I don't know what else is going to hang on to my sanity now. I'm so screwed up at everything now. Its like, I'm nowhere. Netball and studies are all that I have now. And if those two are not going to hang onto me, nothing will.

For once I don't find peace with the statement "live life with no regrets".

Switching topics, I really really really really really miss NYNB. Its a freaking nostalgic feeling that can't be mended. And I seriously love all of you, because my 4 years would not have been filled with so much joy and laughter without you guys. (: And yes, I miss the rockwall. I love it, with all the mosquito bites that came from it. I seriously don't want to become just hi and bye friends. ):

Damn emo now. Shall stop blogging.

|| At 10:31 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

♥Tuesday, February 17, 2009.

Was just reading my previous post. And yes, that was the result of PMS. ): Sadness. And my weight during height and weight was 53kg. FREAKING 53. Whatever. Poof.

I really need to do my math, but I feel a bit sianed about it. I rather do math tutorial, seriously. Grah. Shall stop whining and get down to work, since I'm working towards becoming a full time mugger. (:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE APOLLO FAC DANCE. (:

|| At 10:07 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Post-orientation blues. ):

♥Saturday, February 14, 2009.

Boo. I'm suffering from post-orientation blues. ): And my mood has plumetted to the very bottom. ): Although I still love everyone I mentioned in the last post. (:

I'm feeling very apprehensive about something. I wish I could be like someone. But apparently I'm not good enough yah. And I don't have the intention of giving it up, although every time I see some people I really feel like I am of no worth to them. It pisses me off to see some people/peoples acting so _______ smug. Does it amuse you so much to trample all over others just to show you are better?

I'm so glad not all people around me are like that.

Sidetrack a little, I think the number of ____s I have used is a lot more than last year combined. Oops. But that's just beacuse stuff aparrently pisses me off even more.

I have a feeling I'm PMS-ing. Haha. Which reminds me. I'm 51 kg. (: Which I'm freaking high about. Cause there was a period of time I was 55! Zzz-ness. Damn depressed that week.

I LOVE APOLLO FAC DANCE! (: I rewatch the videos don't know how many times but I still think its darn cool. (:

Okay, here comes the moodswings again. Its freaking horrible.

|| At 8:44 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

CAMPFIRE! (:

♥.

OH MY GOOSE. Haha. I think today was like the high-est day I've ever encountered. Like a whole day of high-ness. Haha! (: Okay I finally found our fac dance video online. Haha after countless searching. Woo! (: But I can't go for dance session on Monday! GRAH. ): Freaking sad.

OMG I LOVE APOLLO! (: (Although I think we a little too politically correct for both presentations, but still great job!) Cheers to A14 and 7G! (: WOO! GO APOLLO! (: Love our fac comm! (: Especially our fac heads Alfred and Ying Ming! (: I think the seniors from Apollo fac comm are really inspiring! (:

I LOVE 09S73! (: WHEE! (: Haha although our CT item wasn't chosen, I thought it was really fun doing it with yall! (: Like who cares, we just zi hai like nobody's business! (: And thanks for cooperating with doing funny and retarded movements (if anyone actually sees this, especially our guys cause we had them go shopping, kneel, row boat and alot of other embarassing movements but they still did it anyway! Haha.) ! Haha it seemed like our concert can (although I don't know how was the response downstage), as long as we're having fun and feeling great doing our performance I think we are winners in our own way yah! (: Go 73! (:

And many many thanks to our CTLs for the week, Jonathan and Qi Han! (I bet you are reading this cause you blogsearched again, hor Jon! :P ) Its been really great having fun with yall throughout this week and your countless attempts to make us not so sian and teach us how to dance! (: Woohoo! And thanks for all the chocolates and sweets! 09S73 LOVES YOU! (:

I'm still kinda high now, even though I have training tomorrow. :D I miss 大口 and I'm damn sad I didn't get to do it that day I went for rehearsal. ): But I'm still feeling kinda screwed up over my ankle. ): COME ON! Jiayou! (: HWACHONG NETBALL OWN! (:

And to my closest teammates whom I could not find a chance to meet yall together today, sorry! To Vernice, Claudia, Joleen, Xing Xuan, Ying Yan and Jenzi (although I see you in class everyday, haha) HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! (: I miss playing court with yall! ):

Although today, okay sorry, yesterday, was Friday the 13th, I felt quite lucky to have so many people whom I love around me. (: And the feeling I got during song sessions was..I can't describe. But it really made me think that this friendship will last, even after we've left our schools and proceeded onto different paths, it made me believe that we will still meet together, like after 10 years or something. (: Its a really great feeling. (:

Its 1.36 now and I need to sleep. ): This week has been BLOODY TIRING. ): Especially yesterday which I practically nua-ed, during the friendly as well. ): Freak. GO JOCELYN! BUCK UP!

Okay I think this is quite a long post yah. Haha. Since I already said, I'm still quite high. OH OH OH and THREE CHEERS FOR THE COUNCILLORS FOR SUCH A WONDERFUL ORIENTATION! (: WOOHOO! (: I really think its something I'll remember for a long long long time, especially the lighting of the torches, the campfire and the REV-IT-UP structure! :D I don't think I'll ever see anything so 壮观 yet so close to my heart again. Serious. (: THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT MEMORIES YOU LEFT US WITH! (:

I feel my adrenaline rushing out. Grah. And I'm feeling slightly moody over some people and some things and some thoughts going through me. ): Like so fast right. ): And I'm feeling kind of uncertain and doubtful. About things around me and also me. I don't know if my decision is right, because I don't even know whether I'll get any achievements in this. I'm like, not good enough. But I know what I want, and I really want to get it. SO WATCH OUT FOR ME YAH! (:

Oh oh. I haven't set resolutions for the year can. :S Okay I don't exactly have time but I'll just touch on goals for this year + bit of next year!

1. STUDY HARD. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to get into H3 pharmaceutical chem. SO GO QIAN WEN AND ME! (: We both must get in together okay! So I must really mug, no more slacking like crap already. Grah.

I actually don't know what else leh. Feeling kind of deprived, but I really want to make sure I do well for A levels. So kiasu right, but I'm really afraid.

Haha. I'm feeling kind of cold, as in the emotion and not the shivering kind. Its the 心灰意冷 kind. I dont know what to say, because I'm in no position to say anything. Its like, this has been dragging since I don't know when, but why was I so stupid? I should've seen it coming. ____. It stings, everytime people talk to me about it, so I rather people not know. Just because they don't know I'm a failure doesn't mean that they should know about other even more unrelated things. Just focus on the now, and not the past.

Haha, maybe I'm jealous. But the more I see, the more my heart aches. ____. ____, ____, ____. I feel like I'm nothing in their eyes. ____. I shouldn't have existed, because I'm just a hindrance.

Sorry for the change to emo-ness ,but my moodswing can't seem to be stopped. Too tired to talk, to think, to cry. ____.

|| At 12:51 AM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

TIRED!

♥Thursday, February 12, 2009.

Grah. Today was a horrible day for me. ):

War game was quite high I guess. Just that it gets tiring when you're just standing there minding you own business then some human just come crashing into you. I think its quite a sad thing yah.

Oh but its good we got the showers early. (:

Went for NY investiture. Reminded me alot of my own investiture of both years. But I really missed how we did our Council pledge. Seems like we're the last batch to ever do it at our investiture. Looking on the bright side, I think its good that NYSL seems to have become closer through working on the investiture, and the different boards are actually coming together to discuss instead of each doing their own things. GO NYSL 09!

Friendly with CT in the evening. I felt like crap. ): Seriously. ):

Tomorrow's gonna be a hectic day. FREAK. I'm like drained from going from one place to another today. And my muscles are aching like crap. Ahh. Shall stop whining. Go and eat then sleep. at 9pm. :S

|| At 8:38 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Tired.

♥Wednesday, February 11, 2009.

Freak. School hasn't even officially started and I'm bloody exhausted already, doing this and that and this and that. Give me a break man. I'm not a machine, yea. And it doesn't help that I reach home so late everyday. :S

Oops. That was supposed to be posted yesterday. apparently i forgot and set my com on hibernation. Haha.

Today was damn fun, with learning of dances and all. (: GOGO APOLLO! (: I realised being in fac comm is really quite high and fun! (:

Shall keep my post today short and sweet, cause I'm ultra-ly exhausted from weights. But it was damn fun. (: Slack though. :S I think my thighs are damn weak. :S

Freak. I need to touch up on Mel's tshirt design, at least by end of this week. And the company havent reply me on quotations. Grahness.

I like Apollo fac dance. Seriously. (: Whee.

Okay I am tired. Just came in while icing my pathetic ankle. Byes. (:

|| At 11:10 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Freaking tired.

♥Monday, February 09, 2009.

09S73! (: Today was kinda fun. (: Piang, but keep running around can. Oh but the skipping thing was cool. (: We all did it yah! (With some cheating, but what the heck. (: ) Man, didn't know I could actually make it. :S

The people are quite nice I guess. (: But since I'm constantly zi-highing I don't exactly know the people well. :S Nevermind, we've got 1 week ahead! (:

And the whole world just keeps asking about my badly bruised knees and thigh. I look like a victim of child abuse please. Lol. Apparently I have either really thin skin or really weak blood vessels. But today I got more injuries. So got more to show off already. Haha.

Piang I'm really tired. From orientation + training. Grah. Wonder how I'm going to do it after school officially starts. Even today I'm unmotivated to do math. Freaking paper.

Oh random: my CTL are kinda funny and cute. Haha. And they are perpetually smiling. (: Yays. (:

Caroline and I were damn high during sodache today. Haha. Apparently I had to do the guys part. Oh and I like our batch dance! Though I can't exactly get it. Lol.

Anyways. I can't do pepper ball for nuts. :(

Okay I'm really damn tired. Shall go ice my ankle then go sleep. Byes. (:

|| At 10:43 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

YAY. (:

♥Saturday, February 07, 2009.

I'M BACK IN ACTION PEEEEEEEEPS! (:

Freaking high after training this morning. Pray hard nothing like that happens ever again. Phew. But my stamina is utter crap. Haha, how pathetic. Oh but I think today's training was good! Except for the fun 5 part which I can never understand.

I think I'm in 09S73! (: WOOHOO. Although I won't be in ARES, which is sad, but its all right, I think my class people is kinda nice. (:

Talking to Joleen on the phone. Haha and she realised that she doesn't have a senior class. Haha. And she might spill over to another fac. Grah.

Bleh. I shall continue talking to Joleen. Goodbyes. (:

|| At 9:47 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Sigh.

♥Friday, February 06, 2009.

Sorry, but for me today was such a f-ed up day. Like my pm on msn, I'm feeling utterly pissed and bitchy today.

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空；可是到了忍无可忍的地步又该怎么办呢？

I'm just too freaking pissed to blog anymore.

Why are some people (and its not just one, its a few) like this? Does it benefit them to make other people feel bad.

WTF man. Seriously, WTF.

Thank goodness for people who are entirely opposite. At least they seem to treat others like equal humans. Freaking crap.

|| At 11:36 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||