1. Gym! :D Been going on alternate days with Li Ying and Kah Hsing, and yes, it feels awesome to be moving again. Sedentary lifestyle during exam period was gross to the max. Just got to keep up this schedule (at least until prom.).

2. Draw. Or at least attempt to. Well, tried to do it once every day, but it's failing. I shall just increase the times I actually touch and open and attempt to draw something in my sketchbook.

3. Dance. Stiff joints and muscles make for awkward movements. I'm feeling extremely sad all right. Oh, but I don't have the money. Damn.

4. Work. Duh, that's where the money's gonna come from. To fund dance lessons, Japanese and Korean lessons (I shall just self-learn, grr), overseas trip (if I actually earn enough to go for one), fangirling. Which reminds me, I'm still in debt for SS3 tickets.

5. Japanese/Korean lessons. I might go for either one, but I don't think I'll do both. MONEY. Maybe I'll continue learning Japanese at home, with all my notes and stuff from Sec 1 and 2. Great.

6. Read! I've got so many books and comics I want to read and reread. Like, my Get Backers series has been sitting there in my cupboard for such a long while and I haven't even touched it yet.

7. TV! Okay, maybe not TV shows, but drama, videos and all the shows I've laid off since I don't know when. The Japanese drama boxes are gathering dust in my cupboard. Shall haunt my mum to get back her Korean drama box sets from my aunts after she's back from Taiwan.

8. Spring Cleaning! I'm proud to say I've managed to spring clean my room over the past two days. Including all my stuff in the other rooms. Well, I would say it's a GNP approach. Gosh, Econs is getting to me, I'm starting to miss it, huh.

I'll probably settle all the notes in the living room after Bio. Anyone wants them?

9. Gifts! :D

10. Prom preparations. I'm pretty much settled, because after I've coerced my dad into buying me a set of eye shadow yesterday, and spring cleaning my cupboard, I have a full set of makeup, short of blusher and concealer. Which is a pretty mean feat, considering I don't normally put on makeup unless I'm going town or something like that. Well. I'll have to think about borrowing that from my cousin, but chances are, she's going to criticize how horrible my makeup skills are behind my back, like she always does. I shall ask my mum to get it from Taiwan, if she ever calls back.

My knee-high socks look damn awesome. Took me so long to find it. Fine, I sound like a bimbo, but I'm honestly glad to have found it. After M)phosis cheated my feelings, it took my two days before I found it. Woots.

Accessories-wise, I've managed to get them off FashionJewlleryTV, which is epic efficient. And cheap. $11.50 for necklace and earrings is a steal! (Sidetrack: I should totally take a photo of how I've organised my necklaces. I look like I'm selling them, with them pinned up on the noticeboard on my wall.)

Problem is, how am I going to do the damn makeup on my own? Ugh.

11. Guitar. Only after prom, because I still want long, even nails.

12. Shopping! I've been doing much of this lately, just...I've got no money to spend. My eyes are set on this white blouse at Bugis Street, but it's $18 and I'm still broke. Well, let's see what my mum comes home with from Taiwan before I decide anything.

13. STGCC! 10 - 12 December. (?) Can't believe I almost forgot about mentioning this. I'm pretty excited, because I think it's going to feel more relevant to me than AFA. The guests are pretty cool! There's the designer of TokiDoki, if I'm not wrong. I feel like attending, but I've got no questions to ask. Gosh, how lousy can I get? But well, still cool to know.

14. SS3! 29 January. Okay, it's pretty far from now (maybe not, it's a mere 2 months). But there's always the preparations and stuff. And we need to think of how we're going to queue. My gosh, the perils of mosh pit. Good luck to us!

15. LaSalle. Open House: 14 - 15 January. All I've got to do is attend, but I'm afraid I might actually forget it. Great.

I realise all the stuff I've gotten down are pretty vague. Well, can't help it if half of them require money and I've got none. Books and shows-wise, I've got a lot to catch up on and I'm very sure the list will be non exhaustive.

So I've managed to start on each item a little (for those I can actually start on) and it feels great to be doing all these. (:

I realise I might have to do laundry, since I just washed the clothes. Damn. Okay good night!

Talking and laughing too much with Kah Hsing throughout the night made my mouth sore with all the cuts from braces and my throat is epic gone case. Ugh.

Honestly, I can't decide whether I'll be glad or not if they manage to get another show. I won't be because I'm a selfish pig and you need to give some credit to people (like us) who queued so long for it. Or maybe I'm just jealous, haha. But I would be, because that would put the black market out of operation at least until the next show sells out as well. Damn these people.

Okay, my throat sounds like crap and my head hurts. I'm really getting old, you see. Shall go sleep soon.

I think I can safely admit to being one of those socially inapt teenagers who'd rather spend their time on the computer at home every day than interacting with people in real life. I'm talking to the same people as the ones I talk to face-to-face, but being online makes me feel more secure and more 'in control' of my own thoughts. I get some time to think through what I'm actually saying, well, more than I do in real life at least. I can't stand the idea of unintentionally (or intentionally) hurting others through my words, offline, at least, when I can see peoples' face and their reactions which I am pretty confident of picking up on.

That's a pretty huge problem to me, always wanting to read into other people and hoping other people can read me just as well. I don't even know what's going on in this psycho brain of mine, because I'm not sure whether I'm happier when people fail to read me or when they get surprisingly close to what I'm feeling without me saying it. I am that ironic. I guess I revel in the fact that I hold up my mask better than I would have wished I could (oh, sense the irony in this sentence itself) but that's the truth. I guess I'm masochistic?

Back to being hypocritical, I think I am one very hypocritical person. I know it. I try not to be, but I end up being one anyway. Actually that says a lot; like, am I even trying? I just let myself run on autopilot, thoughts raging and emotions flowing, until I'm not even sure I know who I am. I think I'm so reliant on this persona of mine, that I refuse to let my rational mind take over to do some sort of damage control before I harm myself or others further. I think I pretty much sound like a nutcase worthy of a trip to the psychiatrist again but that's what's in my head bulk of the time. When I am actually thinking, that is. Which makes me doubly guilty because the thinking only kicks in when things happen and the damage is already done. There's no backspace in real life, as cliched as it sounds.

And see, that is totally what I mean when I say I make so much sense, I scare myself. I know what's wrong with me and I know all the ways to set it right. I just have to throw in a bit more control than I would have cared normally and things would be closer to perfection, actually, no, just better than how it would have turned out. I hate myself so much when I throw out my rage at people for no particular reason, only to feel guilty after that. I could have just stopped myself from the negative feelings but like I keep saying, rational has no place in my mind, or my heart, because I'm never thinking when I do this kind of shit to other people who do not deserve it.

I really like these talks with myself, because I get to realise how I'm actually intellectually capable of having a mind of my own despite what my brain tells me when I try studying but nothing gets in. Yet, it's more of a love-hate relationship because I beat myself up for all the crap I do without thinking. Yes, reflection time is a time for me to go through a serious debate about whether I'm a quirky genius or a downright nutcase, and I'm getting vibes that I'm closer to the latter, because I'm nowhere near being a genius, considering how much I fail at controlling my own life.

I'm starting to like posting these thoughts here, because I like how I get to laugh at myself when I read the bullshit I write. The ridiculous rants, the language. Oh, the language. How I'd love to be able to write like people out there but my English fails me, all the time. Not like my Chinese is redeeming in any way. So I'm stuck with laughing and shaking my head when I actually go through my posts, at how crazy I sound and how ineloquent I am. Who knows why I do it any way, when I already know how I'll only manage to feel like I want to delete everything off this blog because it is so ridiculous and I am so ridiculous.

I think I like sharing on this blog, because I feel like I'm talking to no one, only to myself. I like the feeling of exposing these raw bits of emotions and feelings I don't get to show in real life. Because people don't care for them much and it's not like I want to feel naked in front of a crowd in any case they do. I'm sure the former still stands, because I know how selfish I am because I can't be bothered to give a damn about other people as well. But it may be just me, cold and unfeeling. Though I don't recall everyone around me being balls of sunshine every day. So well, I take blogging as a way of talking to myself, because I'm the one who cares the most about myself and I enjoy pretending there's actually someone who does care and reads all my posts and formulates a reply when all of it is just well, me and my imagination, which is pretty wild in a wrong way. Because it's not like being schizophrenic can make me more creative or artistic in any way.

I don't know if I like it when people read my posts. I think this is the first time I'm being so truthful about myself and my thoughts. Not literally the first time, but posts lately have turned deeper (to me at least) and show more of who I am instead of the perfect little cheery and morally upright angel I like people to see me as. Not that I'm not, just not always. I'll say outright, that I never know what people think of me. I can guess all I want, from their expressions, their body language, their speech, but they're all speculations. Fine, I'm being a self-centred bimbo going 'oh, what do you think of me?', but I'm really curious. Am I the only one? Is it just because I'm living in a society where people like speaking vaguely and going around in circles just because we can't bring ourselves to tell people what we admire them for and what faults they have? That's the vibe I keep getting, not like it's an extremely bad thing, because I know we're just scared of hurting others along the way. Or that's how I prefer to think it is.

I think I sidetrack like nobody's business. So back to whether I like it when people read what I'm writing. I imagine there'll be people who do and I am frankly surprised how much rubbish you put up with, and that's a compliment, because I don't think I can put up with half the crap I sprout. That being said, I think I like it because well, it changes my mindset that people don't care. Haha okay fuck being politically correct or subtle or humble at the very least, it changes my mindset that people don't care about me and well, it boosts my ego. So why not, right? But then again, I'm pretty much embarrassed by myself and my craziness that I dread anyone reading this and knowing me better. Actually, I don't know if people do end up knowing me better, or just getting more confused, when I don't show the same openness in real life. It says a whole lot about how much of a hermit or a loner I am, doesn't it? I'm not comfortable showing myself to others in real life but I'm totally fine exposing it to the public online. FML.

I can just start to imagine how long this post, or shit, is going to look on my blog. Glorious, glorious wall of text. I imagine no one reading it, anyway. At least that's what I do when I type so I don't get all awkward about how I'm revealing too much. But don't be discouraged from leaving a tag, because I still like my ego stroked, to know that yes, people care for me enough to know me, or just curious, or just plain bored. Bored enough to endure through long posts that bore even myself. But like I said, I appreciate it. Though I won't be as thick-skinned as to have glaring Windows popup messages that goes 'Welcome to my blog! Please please please leave a tag! I love you! *muacks*' because I know just how annoying it is, I'm still welcome to all comments, anonymous or not, positive or not. All in all, I guess I'm still the attention whore I am, deal with it.

No, I'm not on alcohol, if that's what you're thinking just cause I'm spilling much more than I usually let on. Though I'm pretty sure coffee at night does almost the same to me, because that would totally explain why I'm bitching so much here tonight.

On to more normal...stuff, I'm getting really excited about SS3 ticket sales tomorrow and I'm praying I won't have to bulldoze through hundreds of xiao mei meis. As much as I'm picking up the habit of cursing endlessly online or even at home, where I'm alone in my room and I spew vulgarities like nobody's business (for one, it actually isn't because I'm only cursing at the computer over something totally awesome or at myself for being the idiot I like to be) I really do not enjoy hearing people curse in my face.

All right, that sounded more 'me' than the whole wall of text thing above it. Pretty much sums up my day, so I'll be off to continue reading. No, not Econs, duh. When have I ever read Econs in this past month? Insensitive people should just shut the fuck up because they don't know how screwed some people (i.e. me) are and we don't exactly want to hear about that measly one mark you lost. Period. Oh and like, how you didn't get to finish a chapter because for fuck's sake, I didn't even start on one. I know, I have only myself to blame and I shouldn't take it out on other people who are genuinely afraid because their entire future depends on this exam. But that was pretty much directed to people who don't even think before saying these things. I think I'm just upset and maybe jealous (haha I hate to admit but maybe Adelbert is right, though I'm jealous about how people have the will and motivation to struggle through while I succumb to the temptations of doing nothing). But I can say this with a clear conscience, that I am not jealous of people who get good results, because I know they deserve it and I admire them for being the strong individuals they are. Like Qian Wen (IDK, just every time I think of this, I'll think of her) and I think she deserves the best scores because she works so hard for them.

I feel like I've got so much more to say but I'm really conscious about how much of a turn off this will look on my blog so I seriously should stop.

And I really love myself, despite the self-hate and self-abuse I enjoy inflicting on myself, not physically, duh, but mentally. Don't let what I type convince you otherwise. Like I said, I like the debate process. Okay, stopping before I start raving again.

No one's flawless, I get it, but you've got to admit there are people closer to it than anyone else. Sucks to have them close by so that you can get compared and judged almost every other second of your life. Maybe that's a little overboard, but I think that's pretty much what gets me most of the time. Like how people are infinitely good when I am such a..okay, I need to stop coming online so often, because all I can use to describe myself is 'bitch'. Oh, my life.

Oh yea, and it's not like I'll ever have something to hate about these people. Because they're so close to perfection I can't even find fault with them. Exaggerating, but well, maybe then again these 'faults' may seem too insignificant to me as compared to the greatness of their being. Okay, damn it, I'm being incoherent again.

Main point is, I hate myself for being so jealous of others. I really don't hate them, come on I've got more sense than that. But I'm pretty much hating myself for having these thoughts.

Okay whatever is wrong with me today. It's like some...I don't know, confessions? Okay whatever, maybe it's just an explosion of emotions because I've had enough of people assuming me to be the person they see on the outside (I don't even know what good they see in me) and being all surprised when I'm not what they presumed to be. Oh well, I think I only have myself to blame, for crafting such an intricate and flawless mask that portrays me to be a kind and all-loving person when I'm filled with such bitterness. Oh, the irony.

Actually, I think being a Gemini contributes to that as well. I'm even confused by myself, sometimes. Maybe that's my answer to Wai Yee, when she said I'm hard to read. I guess I do try to make myself hard to read and get all upset when people read me wrongly. Haha, why is my brain so screwed up?

On to next topic.

You're one person I share my honest thoughts with. Really, we aren't even very close, not even close actually, but well, your sincerity chews on my guilt apparently. And, I thought you would understand me, but that advice was..uncalled for. I hate it when people give me advice when I didn't ask for it. Explicitly. And I know, even if I did, I already have my own answer. I also know, I'm being over sensitive when you're just trying to tell me that you care.

I've got to learn to stop assuming people know what I'm thinking. It's becoming an extremely bad habit.

And I should stop being so sensitive. I read into people a lot, I admit. For my own insecurities, fears and maybe even pride, I read into peoples' words, actions, expressions so much, I think I'm a little over sensitive to these things. And when people don't do the same, to try and understand me a bit more by what I'm trying to tell, I get pretty upset. Which, I admit, is unreasonable.

How more flawed can I get? Tell me, how am I going to get a boyfriend/husband who'll tolerate this mess that's me? ROFL, just a thought. That's probably why I don't understand how men who marry into my family tolerate all of us bitches who blow up at no particular reason. Even I can't tolerate us sometimes, I don't know how they do it. I seriously respect my dad and my cousin.

I think this whole post can just be summed up to 'Damn, I'm too tired and busy being incoherent at the moment'. Gym was tiring. I'm losing my stamina, strength and everything but weight.

All right, I think I should sleep early. Morning paper tomorrow.

I'm thinking A levels is actually going by very fast, which is an extremely gratifying news for me, because I just can't wait for it to be over, just like the rest of the world doing the same boring papers as me. I don't know about people, but I don't even really care about the days in between to study, because all I want is for it to be over. Period. Not like I'm expecting to do extremely well if I had the luxury of more days to study, gosh, no. Never. So whatever crap I was lamenting about how I want it to come later and bullshit, just ignore it. Because this is the truth.

IDGAF. I think too many things have happened to make me want to. Actually, it's not like even if I did, it would have been much better. Don't try to convince me otherwise, because I'll just get pissed with you, like how I've gotten pissed over people who tell me to not think of giving up/go study or some encouraging shit you think I'll listen to. I appreciate you caring for me, letting me know in a subtle way that 'you're being such an dumbass for thinking it doesn't matter when it freaking does and you better get your ass moving before you regret it. Don't say I didn't warn you'. Well I get the message, but nope, I'm stubborn as hell and I was just trying to be honest with you.

I think people would think I'm just in an angsty mood and just having teenage problems. And adults will be APPALLED by me thinking it's fine even if I don't do well. Well, suck it up. Because yes, I am angsty and I'm probably doing this out of spite and I might even regret it later like all you irritating people said and will go 'I told you so', and yes, I still live under the impression I WILL do fine. I'm ridiculous, I know, and I don't care if you want to judge me that way, because I've had enough of being good for other peoples' sake.

Stop fucking trying to guilt trip me into doing things I hate, and judging me for even trying. That goes out to so so so many people out there, from the past, from the present.

I should end this rant before I go out of hand, out of control, or out of my mind, for that matter.

Whoever's actually reading, stop reading and go study, unless you have the same state of mind as me.

I can just imagine the amount of lecturing and bullshit I'll get if my parents actually catch wind of this. *Snorts* Not like they ever will, anyway.

Pointless rant is pointless. It's pretty much meant for me to mock at how much of a fail I am at being a social norm and how brainless I can be.

最近把整个人封闭起来；很少和别人对话，独来独往。不觉得是什么坏事，但是需要和别人沟通时有种莫名的距离感，有点不适应吧。

考试进行第四天。其实没什么感触，因为我真的不想管了。很矛盾对吧，我也这么觉得。

我一直说我不管成绩，不管自己考得好不好，可是总是放不下。我知道这不是我要的，我根本没有想考好的欲望，因为对我来说，有其他更有趣的事去做。年少轻狂，要这么说也行，但我就是这样。没有责任感，没有上进心。我没什么好辩解的，因为我说的都是借口。不专心的借口，考不好的借口，不反省的借口。

来回顾这几年吧。

我累了。我常用这个字，但是真的，可能是从中四开始就真的累了。好孩子也只能当到一种程度。或者是我发现了，一山还有一山高，不管我怎么往上爬，死命地挣扎，终究有别人轻而易举就的能办到我所办不到的。就算我有怕输的心态，就算我拼了命去抓住那一线希望，我知道我还是比不上。可能是这种压力，逼得我想逃避，不想面对失败的自己。对不起，让大家失望了。心被人狠狠划了几刀，到现在还不能平复。很弱吧。但我就是喜欢把事情放在心上，有时想起了，自己在伤疤上又划几刀。真的很想忘了，但是忘不了。

中四的考试成绩让我感到意外，还好中文拉了我一把。MSG1.0 的确让我骄傲。哈哈，但好景不长在，看我现在的成绩，和别人说我以前的成绩还真丢脸。小时了了大未必佳，指的是我吧。

升上初院时，坦白说，我抱着很多期望。太多不好的回忆，只想忘掉，重新来过。只是读着读着，总觉得这不是我想要的。在中三，原本有机会读美术，但最终因为太忙，不得不放弃。（其实我知道我行的，但是懒惰去尝试。打球，理事会，课业；我不想当超人，或者说我不想当个更忙的超人。）上了初院，虽然想读，但心有余而力不足；中学都没读过，还想面试？Portfolio没有，基础更别说，最终打消了念头。直到真正发现我想做什么的时候，总觉得太迟了。6月，没心准备考试，知道别人正往自己的梦想努力，自己却在不同的道路上，让我消沉。母亲的反对，还有神经质，逼得我喘不过气。可能是从那时开始吧，更少和家人说话了。总觉得自己的家有点。。。dysfunctional. 我对照过，真的有这种现象哦，吓了我一跳，因为真的蛮准的。

终于撑到了现在。最近好像发作了，但是平复了。还好。Thank you, God. 多十几天，很快就会过得。

我知道我说我不管，但荒谬的是，我不想就这样放弃，不读了。（其实很想，但不行。）我那神经质的妈，比我还紧张。不知道在我房间摆什么怪蔬菜，逼我去拜神，冲花水，还拿我准考证去拜神。我不信，但是我说不出口。除非我疯了，不然我绝不敢和我妈开口。是，她真的就是这种人。还有。。。避孕药。没别的意思，但就是不想我在考试中不舒服。我快被逼疯了。所以如果我考得好，都是她的功劳，考不好，都是因为我的错。真聪明。

我真的很想放弃经济学，真的不想读了。

谁不想考好成绩？我也想拿五个A来炫耀，但也只不过是妄想。我想考好，只不过是为了和我妈抗议。我真的真的快受不了了。有人的妈妈会在自己女儿背后捅一刀吗？和别人说看到我Prelims能及格很惊讶，因为我根本没读。我舅舅如果不告诉我，我根本不会知道。心痛死了。现在打着打着，还是哭了。就算我知道我没有很用心在读，但是我知道我有努力。我真的有，而且成绩也进步了。和妈妈报喜讯时，她看起来很开心。我以为这一切都是值得的，因为坚持到现在，只是为了满足她。很肤浅的理由，但这也是为什么我能猖狂地说我不管了。

父母亲对我来说是最重要的。但是我不能接受他们把他们的期望硬压在我身上，塞在我手里。而且我快不能忍受，他们还是把我当作小孩看待。就算我是独生女，请不要把我当成宝来看待。我还是人，会犯错，会生气，会有自己的想法，还有最重要的，会独立。我最不能忍受我妈说我不独立，不只是因为她的溺爱，而是因为我真的能独立。

就因为这些原因，在家里的气氛很僵。我不想说话，因为我不想对他们不敬，因为我很想大喊，但是我不能。罪恶感不断侵蚀着我。（所以我说用dysfunctional来形容我的家庭并没有错。）

总之，我只想快点把考试考完。把房间放的蔬菜丢了，把准考证丢了，把书丢了。告诉父母，我想上教堂。三年了，我不想等了。起初是偷偷去，但是总觉得骗他们不对，可能是自己的借口吧。这几年一直被迫和他们去拜神，听他们的话，但心里不好受。应该会被骂，被喊，但你知道的，习惯就好。

公公又住院了，希望会没事。让我想起了和妈妈不愉快的谈话。不说了。

别搞错，我真的很爱我妈。我也知道人不是十全十美的，所以我不说。总之，发生了太多让我火大的事。

没想到打了这么长的文。虽然没人会读，但总觉得好过一些。其实也没好过多少，因为还有很多情绪没发泄出来。应该去读书了。好像离题离得很夸张。

I feel hate, then I feel guilt. A whole fucking lot of guilt.

The description. Why does it all seem so real? Damn it.

I feel the pain, when I hurt other people. My parents, my friends, all the people important to me. When I act like a bitch to others, I feel like I need to be one to myself to ease the pain of seeing others hurt. It probably sounds dumb, but the logic in my mind is pretty fucked up, I admit.

I never as hell want to see people upset, because they don't deserve to be.

I'm tired. Tired of the heavy armour and fanciful mask I wear.

Just let me be, for tonight. I promise, I'll come back as the joyful girl I am, tomorrow.

Just had to get that out of the system, because I'm still feeling the love and hmm, raw emotions invoked by the fic. Ahh, warm and fuzzy feeling. Okay, back to reading. Lovely.

Problem of having the same friends on different social networking platforms makes it difficult for me to vent my anger, or to put it crudely, release the bitch in me (which by the way appears almost every moment I see something I don't like). This is particularly vexing, because I get irked by grammar errors, spelling errors (it's not like I don't make them, but when people don't proofread their fics, it just makes me, well, upset). I'm sounding pretty incoherent now, probably because I'm actually facing said problem of grammar errors. Okay, I don't actually see the link, but let's just take it that they are linked.

Okay, just had to let that out, because I'm getting pretty irritated. Especially when grammar errors on Facebook and Twitter are blatantly there. I know I'm such a bitch for complaining about this kind of things, but that's just me.

I need to lock up my inner bitchy self forever. I seem to have something critical to say to every...THING that comes by. I don't even know. Urk.

Back to reading.

Edit: One more thing that irks me, is that people do not, I repeat, they do not sense my disinterest in a topic. GDI. If I keep giving you a one word answer online, meaning I don't even bother to think of something intelligible to reply, for what, more than an hour, it means I am damn uninterested. I feel like I'm being force-fed information, but I don't have the heart to tell you, let's just stop this discussion, because I'm not really interested in what you're saying. And if I'm talking about right now, I'm actually enjoying my time reading and you're here ranting on and on about your SPECULATIONS. About someone I'm uninterested in (nope, not around us) and sort of dislike a little because of stuff that happened nonetheless. So the conversation is like, she says a few lines, I go 'lol'; a few more lines, I'm like 'really?'; MORE lines, I go 'lol' again. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK HAVING A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT IS INTERESTING ENOUGH TO KEEP IT GOING. And well, I need to stop having things thrown in my face and I have to come up with reasons they happen. Hello, you're not having a conversation with God here, because he'll probably know better than all of us do, but you're talking to Jocelyn. Come on, what makes you think I will know.

Okay I'm just overreacting to this one person, or maybe a few people, but this is really getting on my nerves. Next time = appear offline. Sick of this all. (See, this is how much of a bitch I can be, because I can talk to you really nicely when I bitch behind your back.)

I hate myself so much, you know.