Angst.
♥Wednesday, August 18, 2010.
I guess its the stress. Which comes from not knowing what I'm going to do when I'm faced with the damn Math test tomorrow and Prelims which (I'm contemplating whether 'Prelims' is a plural or a singular term; I have decided its the former, since it stands for preliminary exams. Lol. Long through process; sorry its getting late and my brain's starting to malfunction.) are coming really really soon.
So much so that I feel like just not doing anything and waste my days away.
Okay that was a big fat lie. I'm freaking scared because I feel so unprepared but I have no motivation to get me started. (I'm exercising a lot of restraint to keep myself from an outburst of expletives but I think I can't keep it in any longer.) Damn, I'm really screwed, I tell you. I haven't no freaking idea how to do statistics. AT ALL. Because from normal distribution onwards, I have not listened during a single freaking math lecture and tutorial. So I'm practically fucked up for the test. (There, I've said it. Damn my conscience.) Because I can't find any other term to describe how bad it is. And I couldn't find my normal distribution notes; what great timing.
And the past two days sucked like hell. Head hurts like crap and I got dragged to the zoo on Monday. FUCK IT. Who drags their daughter to the freaking ZOO when she just took an MC from school: my mum. To babysit, no less. Thanks a lot mum; it resulted in an uncured headache lasting till now.
What I'm feeling now reminds me of..Sec 4 year end and last year June. In which I freaking as hell do not want to be here killing brain cells trying to stuff them with information. (Not like I've been doing much of that lately.) The only difference I guess is the intensity. And damn it, A levels. I've gone to great lengths to convince myself that I've got to make some use of the things I've been learning for the past two years, but I can't reconcile with that spiteful voice inside that I'm just wasting my time. Because I feel like I've learnt nothing out of these two years, because I've been slacking so much and my brain just refuses to register the information and keep them in. Honestly, it has never felt so bad.
And so I'm a few hours away from the dreaded school and dreaded Math test. Which equals to sleepless night and last minute mugging. Which is going to be useless because like I said my brain refuses to accept any new information. Much less it being Math, which remains my most hated subject. Not helping when school doesn't make it much better. I'm trying desperately to be subtle over here, but people who understand will be with me.
And it freaking doesn't help when the doctor says what I have on my foot isn't eczema but fungal infection. FUNGAL INFECTION! For goodness sake, what the fuck have I done to get a fungal infection. Oh btw, which he mentioned, which army boys normally get. FUCK! TMI, dear. I'm so exasperated; fine, that's a little bimbotic, but seriously, this sucks. Its a totally FML moment. And the problem is its spreading to my other foot and my hands. I just want to swear to no ends okay. Whatever that fungus is, you better be glad you're not visible if not you'll die a fucking terrible death.
I experiencing such major angst, which I'm supposing is a little late considering I'm 18 and that was supposed to happen years ago but didn't, just because it had to be suppressed. By..external factors. Look here, I'm not a freaking saint and its going to stay this way. Fine, just take this as teenage angst of an..adolescent. Haha shameless of me to call myself that, but whatever it takes to justify this convulsive attitude of mine these days. Relapse? Maybe, but I'm feeling more of anger than anything else, so probably not.
And I should apologise for my moodswings. I couldn't even add 'lately', because its been happening for too long for that term to be justified. If you haven't gotten a taste of it, it just means we aren't close enough or you're too oblivious to realise. Period. And count yourself lucky. Though I don't exactly appreciate the insensitivity if its the latter.
I've been giving a 'don't talk to me' kind of vibe, which isn't surprising since I'm used to doing that ,but its getting more frequent lately. Must be the lack of avenue for me release the .. tension. I just wanna shout it out that I hate school, I hate studying and I hate acting like I've got some motivation when I do not have any.
And I'm tempted to laugh or even sneer when I hear stuff about being sad when we leave JC. Well, I'll be sad to leave people I .. know. (I struggled over the choice of word. Like? Love? My heart isn't just big enough to have this unconditional love for everyone. Maybe some, but not all.) But like I always say, and never fail to reiterate, I can't wait to get out. I'm sorry if this came out a little more heartless than I hoped it would be, its the truth and I don't want to cover it by sprouting nostalgic nonsense, even if I may feel them too. The past three (I just had to include Sec 4, because its probably the start of all these shit) years have given me really good memories, but also very bad ones as well. And me being me, tend to focus more on the bad side of everything. I'm more likely not to remember the times I was praised (were there even any? - that's what I mean) than the times something bad happened. Like stuff I told my psychiatrist and counselor last year; they're still etched in there, slashing a new wound every time I think back.
Its so foolish right? Choosing to remember things that will only hurt me more. I sound like I'm self-victimizing here, since I haven't gone through extremely tough predicaments like others did (I should stop comparing). I've said before, I hate people doing double takes on themselves (sorry Xinyi, it came out harsher than I meant it to be), but now I know its because I do that to myself, alot. And I know how much it hurts, so I'd rather no one else does that too. I don't normally say it out though; the struggle just occurs in my head, and I'm guessing that's what's killing my brain cells instead of math formulas.
I've heard so many stories, about how work life is worse than school life and I'm already quite convinced. I just can't stop myself from wanting to start anew. I think I understood what Soo Han said when she said Nanyang gave her bad memories. I've got to say the same, actually. Even HC too. I'm not saying they're all bad, because there's so much more people who would say otherwise. I'm not complaining about their education; they've given a good education, results being a testament of it, not mine of course, mine's probably an abnormally (outlier, since we just ended that topic. Lol. Can't believe I remember.). I can even safely say I want my children follow suit, but that is if my children want to. I guess that's where the difference lies between me and the vast majority who loves the school with every cell of their being (okay I doubt this really exists, but well, just love the school.)
I'm feeling the caffeine from two hours ago setting in. No, I'm not getting more awake (in fact, I'm getting sleepier by the second), its just my heart pumping faster. Or maybe its because of the medication. Or both. Whatever, just a really strange feeling.
I'm starting to think its a relapse. I feel like just sitting in a corner, not doing anything. Fuck.
Anyway, there's something that gets on my nerves recently. Like, I'm in Year 2, I'm taking A levels this year. And as expected of a typical HC student, I would be going to a university, no? No. But I rarely say that, unless I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't say anything. Not in front of me at least. I'll just give a polite smile and nod, if you start going on about how I'll get into a university, a good course, get a good cert, get a good job, get a good pay and live well for the rest of my life. What a nice and smooth path set out for me: success is almost within grasp. I know I can always do that, if my A levels are actually going to turn out well, that is. Sure, but I don't want that. Just because there isn't a university course that fulfills what I want, here, at least.
And as much as I want to get away from home, I'm reluctant to go overseas because of the cost. And my love for the Eastern culture, or Asian culture to be exact. (Its not like I haven't tried; I've been to U.S., but I've got to say I didn't really like it there. Just my own opinion though.) And I've tried searching for universities offering Art in China, but I can't seem to find what I want; they seem to be more .. traditional? Maybe.. too oriental. Haha what the heck right, what should I expect? Maybe Taiwan? I haven't really looked, but I'm starting to think my lousy command of Chinese isn't going to be very helpful. Its not like my English is any stronger, but that just gives me a better reason to stay here. And I'm not exactly impressed by university art course here; which btw I think is only the one offered by NTU. Which, I've got to say, they don't put a lot of emphasis on, judging by the talk they gave on Scholarship Day. Well, we've at least got something to blame for our lack of creativity or whatever it is that our media and art industry isn't flourishing like how it should be in our country. SIM offers one too, but its a joint one with business, if I'm not wrong (haha like duh, its SIM), and honestly speaking, I don't care how narrow it may sound, I don't want to do anything other than art. Marketing maybe, since I want to do advertising, but er..not hardcore business and visual communications as a minor. It would have to be the other way round to entice me into getting into any course like that.
I'm starting to rant .. a lot. And I've got to say its getting late + I'M STILL NOT STARTING ON MATH. I just want to swear and move on, but the nagging voice in my head refuses to stop.
I swear this split personality of mine drives me crazy sometimes. It really does. (Even though I love it sometimes, but the part where I keep contradicting myself gives me a hell of a headache, which is what's happening right now.)
And guess what, I totally didn't mean for this post to be so long, but it somehow just became this way. Haha. No one's reading anyway. (Though I'm always secretly praying that people will read and at least tag some encouraging words of some sorts to at least let me know they care; but I seem to have lesser friends than I think I do. Haha what a sad life.) Maybe I'm just trying to attract attention here with the 'emo-shit' stint, and waiting for people to take pity on me. Or I just need someone to slap the hell out of me to wake me up from those fruitless daydreams and fantasies and just shout at me to start studying. Or maybe like I said, I'm self-victimizing myself too much. Or people have just gotten bored of trying to find out about other peoples' lives, when their own are falling apart just as much as mine is. (Haha, sense the emo-ness.)
I think the last is likely. Seeing as I bloghop (and I don't tag as well. Oops, I guess its retribution.) and I see dead blogs all over, on hiatus (honestly, I don't even know what this word means exactly. I get the meaning, but no, I've never bothered to go look it up a dictionary.) and it only serves to slap me with a pang of guilt why I'm not doing the same thing. (The only thing on hiatus is probably my brain, but that's been covered earlier.) And I keep seeing emo posts elsewhere. Haha. And all those smart asses out there who keep complaining they haven't studied; but are still getting results good as hell compared to mine, damn you all. (I'm starting to feel why people hated 402 because we just kept complaining about our results, when they weren't so bad comparatively.)
If you do actually read this, please do tag. Haha I'm feeling desperate and shameless now. You can tag as anonymous, but at least let me know you read this. I'm just damn curious about who actually read such a long entry to the end. Just consider it an attempt to liven up my tagboard all right. That's me being extremely thick-skinned.
Its making me puke, I shall sign off before I really do.
|| At 12:54 AM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||
