Not in school today. Would rather be though. Considering how difficult it is to live through the damn noise.

Not doing too well. I really don't want to go back to that period of time, but I feel myself slipping off unconsciously. No. I don't want to. Help me.

I think I've been..unstable? I don't know, I'm getting a little more delirious than usual with all that drilling; I swear its going to my head, pun fully intended.

Netball has been on my mind fully these days, good or bad, I have no idea. I'm excited about seasons, really, I am. No matter how much I complain and swear, I still want to play. I still want to be out there on the court fighting for all of us. I hope I'm of some use at least. I'm becoming more and more useless. And cowardly.

I don't know what my heart really wants. I need like, around an hour to self-talk before a training. Which is really draining. And explains why I look like some zombie before training. I know I keep saying I want to give up, but I know I will not. And I have to struggle to keep me going. Its..tiring. And the next day I'm utterly drained.

Freak. I'm not even good enough as a player myself.

And I go through it over and over again before I go on court. Keep telling myself I can do it, keep convincing myself that I'm needed, keep reprimanding myself for lowering my own self-worth.

And it hurts like hell.

Because no matter how much I try to convince myself, I keep coming back to the same conclusion. Yet I keep fighting and fighting just to resist the urge to give up everything. I think about the people I'm letting down and I'm forced to keep going on. Teammates who are working just as hard on court, teammates who are sitting on the sidelines cheering us on. I know I can't let them down. Yet I feel like I'm too weak for them to rely on me.

Okay I really need to stop. Its dragging me down even more.

Got to get some panadol. Urk.