Well. Which means I haven't been studying very hard.

I feel like I have no drive to study. (Damn, after the talk about Godhand Teru, this is absolutely unconvincing.) I don't want to give myself any excuses, I just keep doing that. But I'm stuck in this self-loathing cycle that can't seem to be stopped. I feel like I'm not cut out to be who I am now. As a matter of fact, I'm screwing up badly.

I can't study, I can't play netball, I can't do all these shit I'm supposed to do.

I know this term is going to be hell. It was a good break over the holidays, but its going to be hell now.

I can't believe it. I can't believe I've met someone who made me hate something I used to love so much. I've lost all my conviction. To think I came in so sure of what I wanted. To think I had such high hopes. To think I had such optimism, that it was going to get better when I came into HC. I guess I got my hopes too high. That's why I'm falling. Falling hard on my face.

And I know its not going to get easier, whether its in here, or after I get out of here. Nothing is easy in life, of course I know that. And everyone around me are pushing as hard or maybe even harder to reach somewhere.

And when you reach a point where you actually have to think, 'what am I doing this for?', you've steered away from that path. Because you realise that the answer no longer comes naturally to you. You find that you need to think, before you can reach a conclusion, a conclusion which may have seemed so clear at the start.

That's how I feel. Saturated, you call it? Or maybe not. Confused, lost, more like it.

I don't care who reads this blog. But I hate trainings now. I can't decide for myself whether I hate netball, I can only conclude that, I've lost my love for it. Like I said, my conviction's gone..uh, with the track. Call me weak, to be defeated just like that. I admit I'm weak. The smile and cheerful tone I have to show before a run is killing me. Fuck, I wish I could just swear and rebel and not do it. But I've got no guts to do it. I don't want to let them down. I'd rather screw up my own brain than do that. Everyone's fighting as hard, if not harder. How can I bear to disappoint them.

And I don't think its just the runs that made me this way. Damn, its not like I've never ran before. Its just..well, you know. I don't even need to say.

Maybe Mrs Goh is right. (Which reminds me, I haven't talked to her for what, months?) I'm stuck in a triangle. And I can't get out. Oh guess what, I think I'm in a square instead. Maybe no one understood what that meant, but, that's kind of the way it is.

Maybe that's why I moved back to my parents' room. I'm scared of what I think of when I'm alone. I recall trainings, I recall instructions, I recall scoldings, I recall expectations. Expectations I'm supposed to reach. Expectations I can't reach. Expectations I don't even want to try reaching. Expectations that don't give a damn about what I feel and stay there like its nailed.

I'm a person who thinks a lot on my own. Too much, in fact. I think a lot of people know that. I hate myself for that. I wish I was as happy-go-lucky as I looked. Or at least, I think I look.

God, I'm in such a mess right now. I've got so much on my mind I can't even think straight. I wish I could pull out my head to stop it from throbbing.

I hate myself.

So much for starting the post on a positive note. Apparently that change in outlook was temporary.