I can foresee the following post will be vulgar. Like, more vulgar than my usual standards. Even if I tell you not to read, you will still read. So why bother?

With all that shit going on, I need to pull myself away. No, I'm not talking about getting away from studying. Honestly, that's the thing I care about the most right now. So is it for most of the people I know right now. But really, some people just don't get it. Or they refuse to get it.

I'm so sick and tired. I don't know how many times I must repeat this damned phrase. No one hears it anyway.

I'm so sick and tired of running track. Damn you. I haven't had a good rest last week; guess what, I was doing something related to netball everyday. Training 3 times a week, self training, runs. All while I was supposed to freaking study for blocks. Really, I can study.

"Even if we're not the best team, we'll be the fittest team." I'm sorry, but this is bullshit. I don't care if you see this. I don't oppose you outright, because at least I thought there's always something you can learn from somebody. And this statement still holds. But honestly, I don't give a damn about being the fittest team. Really, we'll get a medal for that.

I am damn pissed.

Partly over the fact that I myself couldn't reach under the timings for intervals. Which sucks. Sucks to the core.

I've got one more set of intervals to run. WTF. I'm not even going to say I have no time to run. I don't freaking WANT to run. I hate running so much I just want to burn down that damn track. (Forgot about trackers momentarily, sorry. Fine, just forbid us from going near the track.)

And it gets really uncontrollable. I just keep imagining the team without me. At least in my imagination it works out; I'm not a player they can't live without, we've got much better defenders (to someone's eyes as well.); I'm not even a captain they can't live without. Freak, I'm useless as one.

And I'm damn fucking tired of talking to her. Arguing with her. I don't know who's side she's on. She's probably aiming to become the school spokeswoman.

Then there's people going against each other. I can bitch a little, but you know I can't take any side. And it sucks when people who matter take sides. Do you know how subtle I need to make myself sound, when I try to convince you to just listen to her a little? Honestly, I don't care if you're fucking angry with her, but showing it is just...immature. Hypocritical, yes. Cause I'm telling you to just put up a show.

Sure, you don't care what she thinks. But its not that simple. What am I supposed to say, when she comes and ask me, 'any complaints?' Tell me, what am I supposed to say? I feel like a bitch when I have to say no. I honestly do. 'Just say no lah!' As cliched as it may sound after the GP comprehension, I feel guilty.

If a relationship has to be maintained on lies, I don't know how long such a relationship will last.

Funny how I came into Hwa Chong, dying to play netball. Gave up the chance to even try out for other CCAs. Having to put Fac. comm behind netball. Having to put my class behind netball. Having to put my studies behind netball.

I don't know what I'm sacrificing for. Even short-term wise. I know I'm not good enough to be the main 7. I don't even need to wait till then to know. And fuck, won't get in means won't get in, don't act all kind and console me by saying there's always a chance, how will I know if I haven't tried and I don't know what other shit people will feed me with. Damn you. I don't even want to try.

And long term sacrifice. Really, for what? Its not like I'm gonna become a professional player or coach or umpire; wake up.

Fuck my life.