Just thought I had to blog this. And write it in my book.

Saw a review on a comic that actually made me think. Quite a bit. Quoting directly, "Friends? Lovers? Whatever. It strikes me as a much more genuine relationship based on human connections rather than preconceived social categories."

Mm. Kinda contradicts itself, doesn't it? But the phrase 'preconceived social categories' does strike me. Seems like so, huh.

We are friends. Close friends? Mm, what do you classify as one?

We are lovers. Oh? How long? Mm, when do you start counting from?

We are a family. A tight-knit one? Mm, how do you measure that?

I think humans are a weird bunch. They spend their entire life trying to organise things; themselves, their surroundings, nature, everything. Wow. Things we do to show we're in control. Of our earth, of our world, of our country, of our subordinates, of our lives. Of course, with such obsession with trying to classify all things on earth, I can understand the frustrations of having grey areas.

But think about it. If there weren't such grey areas, wouldn't there be nothing to debate about?

Haha. I think we're weird. We classify things to the best of our abilities, yet we're findings ways to show that things are not that absolute, to show that we have different views. Ironic, isn't it?

If I could tag this post, it would be under 'mindless ramblings'. Which isn't too bad, because this is the only place I get to ramble off and get away with it.

Maybe not. I probably look stupid. Hahaha. There's a price to pay, yea?

On a manga reading craze.

Too excited about Tsuruga Ren, I just had to blog, even if its 3am in the morning. ><

All right. SLEEP!

To be honest, I haven't studied hard for this block test. I know, I always end up slacking and whining about it at the end.

I think I'm falling sick. Damn.

Chem paper was plain gross. I can't see the point of studying for it when it doesn't make a damn difference.

I feel like just sleeping and not giving a care. Haha. But like real I'll be able to do that.

Back to Bio.

Well. Which means I haven't been studying very hard.

I feel like I have no drive to study. (Damn, after the talk about Godhand Teru, this is absolutely unconvincing.) I don't want to give myself any excuses, I just keep doing that. But I'm stuck in this self-loathing cycle that can't seem to be stopped. I feel like I'm not cut out to be who I am now. As a matter of fact, I'm screwing up badly.

I can't study, I can't play netball, I can't do all these shit I'm supposed to do.

I know this term is going to be hell. It was a good break over the holidays, but its going to be hell now.

I can't believe it. I can't believe I've met someone who made me hate something I used to love so much. I've lost all my conviction. To think I came in so sure of what I wanted. To think I had such high hopes. To think I had such optimism, that it was going to get better when I came into HC. I guess I got my hopes too high. That's why I'm falling. Falling hard on my face.

And I know its not going to get easier, whether its in here, or after I get out of here. Nothing is easy in life, of course I know that. And everyone around me are pushing as hard or maybe even harder to reach somewhere.

And when you reach a point where you actually have to think, 'what am I doing this for?', you've steered away from that path. Because you realise that the answer no longer comes naturally to you. You find that you need to think, before you can reach a conclusion, a conclusion which may have seemed so clear at the start.

That's how I feel. Saturated, you call it? Or maybe not. Confused, lost, more like it.

I don't care who reads this blog. But I hate trainings now. I can't decide for myself whether I hate netball, I can only conclude that, I've lost my love for it. Like I said, my conviction's gone..uh, with the track. Call me weak, to be defeated just like that. I admit I'm weak. The smile and cheerful tone I have to show before a run is killing me. Fuck, I wish I could just swear and rebel and not do it. But I've got no guts to do it. I don't want to let them down. I'd rather screw up my own brain than do that. Everyone's fighting as hard, if not harder. How can I bear to disappoint them.

And I don't think its just the runs that made me this way. Damn, its not like I've never ran before. Its just..well, you know. I don't even need to say.

Maybe Mrs Goh is right. (Which reminds me, I haven't talked to her for what, months?) I'm stuck in a triangle. And I can't get out. Oh guess what, I think I'm in a square instead. Maybe no one understood what that meant, but, that's kind of the way it is.

Maybe that's why I moved back to my parents' room. I'm scared of what I think of when I'm alone. I recall trainings, I recall instructions, I recall scoldings, I recall expectations. Expectations I'm supposed to reach. Expectations I can't reach. Expectations I don't even want to try reaching. Expectations that don't give a damn about what I feel and stay there like its nailed.

I'm a person who thinks a lot on my own. Too much, in fact. I think a lot of people know that. I hate myself for that. I wish I was as happy-go-lucky as I looked. Or at least, I think I look.

God, I'm in such a mess right now. I've got so much on my mind I can't even think straight. I wish I could pull out my head to stop it from throbbing.

I hate myself.

So much for starting the post on a positive note. Apparently that change in outlook was temporary.

Anyway. So today was start of training camp. If I were to blog about it I probably won't get to sleep. But anyway. After meticulous calculations by Jie Min and I, we've come up with the great figure of almost 5km today, simply counting runs. Meaning no court play lah. At this rate we'll probably clock a half marathon in these 3 days.

I bet trackers are like, please, that's not even half of what we run. Oh but er, we're not trackers, if you haven't picked up on that fact yet. We play netball, and we run more on the track than we play the game. What's this?

Anyway. Tomorrow's PT day. Or PT morning, at the very least. Provided we don't do anymore sprints or suicides for warmup. Or cooldown. So ridiculous right.

Okay. Sleep time.

I can foresee the following post will be vulgar. Like, more vulgar than my usual standards. Even if I tell you not to read, you will still read. So why bother?

With all that shit going on, I need to pull myself away. No, I'm not talking about getting away from studying. Honestly, that's the thing I care about the most right now. So is it for most of the people I know right now. But really, some people just don't get it. Or they refuse to get it.

I'm so sick and tired. I don't know how many times I must repeat this damned phrase. No one hears it anyway.

I'm so sick and tired of running track. Damn you. I haven't had a good rest last week; guess what, I was doing something related to netball everyday. Training 3 times a week, self training, runs. All while I was supposed to freaking study for blocks. Really, I can study.

"Even if we're not the best team, we'll be the fittest team." I'm sorry, but this is bullshit. I don't care if you see this. I don't oppose you outright, because at least I thought there's always something you can learn from somebody. And this statement still holds. But honestly, I don't give a damn about being the fittest team. Really, we'll get a medal for that.

I am damn pissed.

Partly over the fact that I myself couldn't reach under the timings for intervals. Which sucks. Sucks to the core.

I've got one more set of intervals to run. WTF. I'm not even going to say I have no time to run. I don't freaking WANT to run. I hate running so much I just want to burn down that damn track. (Forgot about trackers momentarily, sorry. Fine, just forbid us from going near the track.)

And it gets really uncontrollable. I just keep imagining the team without me. At least in my imagination it works out; I'm not a player they can't live without, we've got much better defenders (to someone's eyes as well.); I'm not even a captain they can't live without. Freak, I'm useless as one.

And I'm damn fucking tired of talking to her. Arguing with her. I don't know who's side she's on. She's probably aiming to become the school spokeswoman.

Then there's people going against each other. I can bitch a little, but you know I can't take any side. And it sucks when people who matter take sides. Do you know how subtle I need to make myself sound, when I try to convince you to just listen to her a little? Honestly, I don't care if you're fucking angry with her, but showing it is just...immature. Hypocritical, yes. Cause I'm telling you to just put up a show.

Sure, you don't care what she thinks. But its not that simple. What am I supposed to say, when she comes and ask me, 'any complaints?' Tell me, what am I supposed to say? I feel like a bitch when I have to say no. I honestly do. 'Just say no lah!' As cliched as it may sound after the GP comprehension, I feel guilty.

If a relationship has to be maintained on lies, I don't know how long such a relationship will last.

Funny how I came into Hwa Chong, dying to play netball. Gave up the chance to even try out for other CCAs. Having to put Fac. comm behind netball. Having to put my class behind netball. Having to put my studies behind netball.

I don't know what I'm sacrificing for. Even short-term wise. I know I'm not good enough to be the main 7. I don't even need to wait till then to know. And fuck, won't get in means won't get in, don't act all kind and console me by saying there's always a chance, how will I know if I haven't tried and I don't know what other shit people will feed me with. Damn you. I don't even want to try.

And long term sacrifice. Really, for what? Its not like I'm gonna become a professional player or coach or umpire; wake up.

Fuck my life.

I wanna go IT show. ): Maybe their tablets will be cheaper. ): BUT I REALLY NEED TO DO WORK. DAMNIT.

I hate school. Seriously.

So it always ends this way: I get too sick and tired of coming up with a goddamn post title that I forget about blogging. Oh besides the 101 tabs opened at the side, each waiting for me to glance through and close. That's kind of the reason why I probably have 50 posts in drafts. Go figure.

Guess what? I'm starting to dread school. (Not like I haven't been dreading it for the past few years of my life. Actually.) I'm sure I'm not the only one. But yes, I'm not even feeling the stress of 'A's yet (Maybe its in my subconscious brain. Oh, like real.). We haven't started seasons yet, haven't gone through missing a few lessons every week and all that shit. But I'm feeling quite scared already. Damn it.

I realise I'm quite easily affected by things around me. Like, how every time I find something I can relate to, I'll feel this warm and fuzzy feeling. Oh, like, Are's dramafeste performance. I probably can't relate to the married part, of course (and I couldn't see the ending from where I was standing. I probably didn't see half the performance. I just took it as a radio show.). But I think the woman's side of the story is quite accurate. I kinda teared towards the end. Which is quite funny.

Anyway, that wasn't the main point.

I actually feel like talking about..friends today.

I don't admit I have a lot of friends. Acquaintances, more like it. And no, I don't think people who randomly add me on Facebook counts. Or people I add through email contacts. Damn, I don't even know who some of them are!

Kicking that aside, I just wanna talk about friends, like real people you see everyday. Or almost everyday. I personally find it difficult to maintain relationships. Or maybe its just me, because I can't be bothered to. I'm a really lazy person, as you can tell. Heartless, maybe? I envy people who can keep friends all the way from long long time ago. For one, I don't usually take initiative to do so. Because I feel like none of them know me. Yes, even people closest to me don't. But that's just human, isn't it? There's no way you can understand another person unless you've lived your life with that person. Wait, scrape that, maybe that isn't even enough.

No matter what, you can't see through their minds, know them inside out, predict their actions, or even know their secrets.

I think its really cool. Because what you show people is just what you WANT to show people. Or for some people, at least.

I don't think I've gone through a lot, to be able to share my life philosophy or what.

And I don't like to think. Like I said, I'm just plain lazy. I don't give a damn about critical thinking skills.

Anyway, back to 'friends'. How do you classify a good friend? I don't care how much it sounds like a GP question, if that's what you're thinking. And actually, I hate the politically correct answer, that "true friends are the ones that accept who you are." Oh then, honestly, I can't be anyone's true friend.

I'm an easily annoyed person. Especially if I know you very well. I can get absolutely annoyed with you over NOTHING. Nothing at all.

Perhaps my horoscope contribute to it; along with my nature of being easily bored. My attention span is probably of a kid's.

Anyway. I can't come up with a conclusion. Like I said, I hate to think. So I'll just leave you to your own conclusion.

Got to sleep. I think we're doing 2.4km for PE tomorrow. Damn it.

My life isn't probably half as bad as I how make it out to be. I just keep whining and whining and whining non-stop, don't I?

And it sucks to know that other people are going through much worse.

I know, don't compare right? But being a typical Singaporean, I just like to do that. I probably inherited that from my mum or something.

Helped out at Blaze carnival yesterday. Quite fun. :) Although I was a little scared asking the coaches to get their teams on court. Haha. Damn, and they're only primary school kids. They are good though! Saw this really sharp shooter. Haha.

Saw Ms Imelda too. Haven't seen her for a long time. Her team's good. (: Haha yes, the really sharp shooter. (:

Today, was another nua day spent reading comics and going for dance lesson. Damn.

Wanted to do some work, but apparently, its not possible at home.

I'm just so ill-disciplined.

Have been hooked on CNBlue lately. I think they're quite cool. (: Min Hyuk is uber cute. (: And him playing drums is just...dreamy. Haha.

Anyway. Tomorrow is start of school.

Actually. First term has been rather slack. Honestly. We just keep having holidays.

And I should go sleep. Training tomorrow.

Roar.

Anyway. Made money and spent them today. :) All right. Work work.