Pardon me for this entire post, because I'm just doing it to whine and de-stress (I don't think its going to help much, but I guess its worth a try.) because I'm tired.

Whatever happened to a student's job is to study? That's like, old, man. Now, students are expected to be able to handle CCAs, leadership positions and whatever rubbish they choose to put on their overflowing buffet plate. Or maybe, its just mine.

Apparently, this week was "everybody, talk to Jocelyn" week. I've had to like entertain so many people trying to get their ideas into me that towards Friday, I couldn't absorb anything anymore. So I'm feeling extremely apologetic to Mrs Goh, because I could tell I was zoning off.

But don't start pointing fingers at me, because talking to Ms Wong was really therapeutic and it was encouraging. I'm sorry to the rest who talked to me if I'm going to sound biased, but that's because I am. The reason is, she didn't try to give me any ideas. You know, there are just times when you want people to listen to you, but you don't need any more solutions, because you've already thought of so many ways to do it and you're so tired you don't want to think anymore. (All right, as you can probably tell, I'm getting a little delirious, seeing its close to 2am. ) But yes, I don't need any more ideas, any more ways to solve problems, any more thing I should be doing.

Maybe what Mrs Goh said is right; I AM getting triangulated, whatever that's supposed to imply. I feel like a punching bag myself, honestly.

And I'm glad Ms Wong understands; but I'm not sure whether I can live up to her expectation as "someone she wants the J1s to become". All right scrape that, I'm sure I wouldn't. Firstly, I'm not even focused on my studies, which is the main point of being a student. Secondly, I'm not as responsible as you think. So for goodness sake, stop thinking that I am and throwing me all that shit in my face. I'm not directing this to anyone in particular, honestly, because a lot of people have been doing that and I can't take it. I don't know how it happens, seriously. Can people who have worked with me convince those other people that I'm not as good as they think I am. Its a bloody facade.

And I AM very pissed with myself; for not being a 'fire' I'm supposed to be, for not being able to speak as well as I should, for being able to inspire but not. And I'm starting to doubt my interpersonal skills which I was rather proud of. My EQ is becoming, I don't know what, zero? I bet its from influence, damn you.

I honestly don't understand why I must be going through this. But if I think about it again, its going to go back to whatever happened before. Maybe you don't understand what this means, but it just means that I'm going to go into my downward spiral if I start this questioning thing all over again.

And I don't know how many times I absolutely must repeat this, that I can't wait to get out of HC. (Sorry to HC lovers, I do love HC, but I'm not very happy being here. Doesn't make sense, but who cares.)

And there are people I absolutely abhor. To the core.

Plus the fact that my mood is swinging like nobody's business, I'm even more hostile to these people than I usually am. Don't count on me on being nice anymore. I've been too nice (maybe you won't agree, but to me, I've reached my limits.) and these damned people are stepping all over me. Stop it. I'm not your bloody pet. I'm not obliged to share the same views as you, and I can't believe that you can't understand. I'm addressing people of my age as well as people older than me, so I'm extremely disheartened, because I expect them to at least understand, that people have different views and to put it bluntly, you don't freaking own the world.

(I'm trying extremely hard to suppress my anger now.)

I've probably never lost my temper with anyone, like, seriously. (Besides those times when my moodswings get the best of me and I just blow up without reason.) But I can safely say, since Secondary 3 I haven't been so angry before.

I remember fighting with Hern Hern over investiture banner. But I'm sure we both understood why we fought, because after that we could laugh over it and joke about how stupid we looked. And that's cause we both know that investiture mattered so much to us and we had to reach a consensus which we both think was acceptable.

But this, now, is an entirely different thing. I admit that you should know more, because you're an adult and should, by right, have more experience. But what you're showing me does not translate to that. It does not. We absolutely must do it YOUR way. When we make a suggestion, what I get is always "No, what I'm saying is...". Do you know how many times I rolled my eyes when I heard that over the phone and how many times I want to roll my eyes when you tell that to us face-to-face? Like, what the heck, we know what the hell you're trying to say, but we don't agree. You don't even want to give our suggestion a chance?

Damn you.

I can't believe I'm wasting my sleep time to make myself angry. And I totally lost the point of my post, but whatever, I'm prone to rambling and digressing.

I just saw someone selling Wacom Bamboo, pen only I think, online. At $110. Er, I can totally get a new one, pen and touch, for $179. And a new pen one for $129. And my resolution will be to get this at the end of the year. Like, right after A levels. So its going to be something for me to work towards. Which feels quite nice actually.

Oh and anyway, I was reading TIME magazine (the newest one), and they estimated that 95% of music downloads in 2009 were illegal. Which is quite amazing, actually.

I have absolutely no idea what was that paragraph for, but I'm trying ways to calm myself down.

Anyway, I think people are really selfish and disgusting. One moment, we condemn people for doing the wrong things, the next moment we're doing exactly the same. If you don't know (obviously you wont know), I'm talking about the SHINee autograph session.

People really need to stop finding excuses for themselves, and act all altruistic about things of value only to themselves.

Sleep. Sweet dreams to myself; I've had enough of nightmares in the day.