Firstly, I really need to apologise to a few groups of people. But I haven't got the courage to do so in person. I haven't got the effort to do so either.

Fac Comm.

I'm really really really really sorry. I really wanted to do something for our fac. But as I went through everything, I felt honestly useless. I'm sorry to teachers, seniors, fac heads who put their trust in my abilities. I know its especially tough for other fac comm members because they've got to cover projects I was supposed to be handling. And yesterday, when Alfred asked me a question, I couldn't answer. I felt so ashamed that I did not live up to his expectations. To all your expectations. I'm sorry.

Netball.

Honestly, this should be first, but because I just couldn't put fac comm away from my worries, I had to put this second. Again, I'm really sorry for letting down all of you. I know you guys believe in me, and are willing to support me. But I'm the one with no confidence in myself. I've always wanted to ask Sharon, how can I expect something out of others when I can't even believe I can do it myself? Thats the question I wanted to ask, when she advised me not to worry about scolding you during trainings. Thats the worry that just kept surfacing, whenever I wanted to comment. "Would I have been able to do it, if I were in your position?" If I wasn't, that what right do I have to ask that of you? But I never had the courage to ask that question. I wanted to, but like always, like when I'm facing others with my true thoughts, I didn't dare to. I'm still worried about all of you, you know. Like when you're going to stop training, because I think its time all of us settle down to concentrate on our exams. And you know what, I was really glad seeing Jaime's nba saying this is the last week of training before your break. Maybe partly I'm guilty for not joining you. But I'm really worried about all of you. And sorry for not joining in trainings. Its really tough for me to go back to something I'm totally not confident of doing my best in. Sorry.

PW Group.

Gosh. I'm horrified by myself. I'm really utterly sorry. I keep promising I'll do the posters, the flyers, part 3, but I haven't accomplished any of them. I'm feeling honestly horrible. I'm really sorry. I wish I could do more. But I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't know what's there for me to say, I think I've failed to do my part. I'm sorry.

09S73.

Damn, I'm feeling worse and worse as I continue. I've failed as your CT rep. Urk. Honestly I don't know how to face you. ><

I realise that I'm feeling more and more negative as I go on. Like I said, its been a horrible two days. I think its the idea of being alone. But its not like I can keep up the smiles for that long. Its really tiring.

Maybe its what SHE said. Haha. Honestly, no matter how much I smile at her and nod, I hate her. Yes. She probably makes sense sometimes, but she is so bloody insensitive I feel like just giving her a punch. Please make it seem like I'm useless. Please make it seem like I can't differentiate right or wrong. Fuck. You mean my values will just change overnight? I'm just not doing too well now. Don't make it sound like I'm some ... I don't know. I'm just irritated by you.

That didn't get rid of that thought in my mind. Sucks to remember. Sucks to think.

I'm so tired. I'm so so tired.

I just got reminded of the conversation with Wai Yee on last day of blocks. Haha. Maybe till now, I still can't bring myself to talk about things that honestly matter to me.

My head just hurts thinking.

And guess what. I think I suck. I'm really fortunate. I have family and friends around me. People who care for me. My parents keep reminding me, that I am fortunate. Because they never refuse me. Yea, I totally agree. Bloody hell, I'm so spoilt. Yes but here I am, being the weakling I am, complaining about my seemingly wonderful life. Haha. Seriously, what's wrong with me.

I should sleep. Its coming back to me.

I just read Doubt. As in comic. Scary. But thought provoking. Who's there to trust, when everyone's only concerned with themselves. Lies breed doubt. Great theme.

I just finished Mx0 too. Kind of cool. But the ending's kind of sudden.

I'm feeling better distracting myself.

I hope I can sleep tonight.