♥ , My Garden of Eden.

Momentum.

♥Wednesday, September 30, 2009.

I think I'm picking up. I feel so. I hope so. Its late, but its better late than never. I will do it. There are so many things I wanna do. I will let all of them come true.

I know my limits. At least I think so. But I know I try too hard sometimes.

I think I'm an ego person. Haha. I need to feel needed. And I kind of felt good just because of something that happened. That person wouldn't even know, but really. it kind of made my night. Cause it happened at night. But it made me feel more confident and comfortable that there are people who believe in me. And my abilities. Or the lack of it. Whatever.

I've come to terms with myself tonight, after what that person said. I will always be me, no matter what other people say. No matter what other people choose to say about me, I know who I am. People I love know who I am. I know who I am. I agree with Wai Yee. People do need to be selfish sometimes. But I realise, I don't want this selfishness to ruin others. At least I want to do my part. I hope I can do that very least.

Maybe its just not in me to allow myself to disappoint people. Because I feel disappointed as well. Haha I don't know whether its good or not. Maybe in some sense, yes.

Its been a productive two days, as compared to my past freaking two, three weeks. I know its late, but like I said, better late than never. And I really must thank my friends, my really lovely classmates who are willing to help me, alot. :D Like Xin Yi! Haha I wouldn't have been motivated to do math without her. And yes, now I have conquered sequences and series! And least slightly, and to think I never listened to a single lecture or tutorial. -.- Not good, trust me.

I'm motivated by hands as well. :D Hahaha. That's why today's Bio and Chem were ): cause bad view. Haha. Shit I sound like some pervertic stalker. No, I don't think it'll be as bad as Ms Yeo's ex-student. Or Wai Yee's. Haha scariness totally. No I just have an obsession with nice hands, really. At least that's what I think. Gasp.

Okay I'm getting a bit irritating here. Haha. And really irritating to all those whom I keep emphasizing nice hands to. Wahaha. Really very nice. ><

Okay its 1am. Time to sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day! :D Love you all! :D

|| At 1:00 AM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Goth.

♥Friday, September 25, 2009.

As in I'm reading it now. Online of course. Although I did managed to get hold of an M18 comic (I don't know for what, gore, killing? Seriously, Doubt is much worse.) Anyway Doubt came out today. I'm kind of lost, cause the first two books are at home. But oh well, the art is as interesting. Oh yes, GOTH. Haha. Was telling Wai Yee, Xin Yi and Ying Ling the story. Haha. Shall reread cause I didn't manage to even reach anywhere past the first story and one quarter. And I want to read lou2 xia4 de fang2 ke4. Okay I've lost touch with hanyu pinyin. But yes, make it out yourself. But its M18 too. Urk. Come on lah. Got some books say they are but no they are not. I've seen worse. -.- And I'm just a few months short. Che. Irritating. You think we cannot find on Internet ah. >< Reset was also M18, its the one I talked about just now. Like I think its just the theme. The graphics are quite mild, seriously.

I'm feeling a bit gory and all, but yes,its kind of interesting to look at how people interpret and draw it.

Anyways.

Today was good and bad. Can't say much actually. I don't know whether its for good or not. Pfft. I wish I would just poof away.

Had Universities talk today. Haha. Kind of disheartened if you get what I mean. I'm like, wasting my time here away. But oh well. Maybe it was a bad choice in the first place. But I never would know, because maybe then I wouldn't have realised what actually mattered to me.

I'm kind of tired. Okay since when am I not.

I really enjoy time with my class. Really. I'm so glad to have such good friends around me. Love you. (:

And getting distracted by hands can never be too bad huh. ;P

Inside joke, but yes. Its honestly distracting. :D

Kind of want to sleep now. Yes, pig, but really.

|| At 10:15 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

♥Thursday, September 24, 2009.

10 days since my last post. Wow.

These past few days, I've only been obsessed with one thing: hands. :D Haha. Seriously.

Today is killer day. Oh no, tomorrow is. I've got like a million things to hand in tomorrow. Its like, freak, can I don't go? But I know, if I don't go tomorrow, I won't ever feel like going back. Shrugs. I'm surviving well, I'm surviving well.

Told Wai Yee and Ying Ling about my weird and retarded dream yesterday. Its damn ... crazy. Hahaha.

Since the past, I've only been good at one thing: running away. So useless, I agree. I've never been able to face up to my fears, even myself. I'd rather live in my own world where I'm good, where I'm capable; when I'm not even close. I've always been wanting to become something, someone whom I am not. I envy people because I am not like them; I'm not smart, I'm not outspoken, I'm not efficient, I'm .. just me. I keep telling myself that I have too high expectations of myself. But its just so simple. I just need to stop being lazy.

I know I whine a lot on my blog. I really do. Haha. And I just whine about what I am not.

I think I've changed. Quite a lot. But I think there are things that have never changed.

I've always liked drawing.
I've always liked rainy days. I love the smell of it.
I've always liked the stuffy room smell.
I've always liked sweets. (I'm amazed by people who don't.)
I've always liked musky smell.

I've always hated vegetables.
I've always hated insects.

Can tell that I haven't got much likes and hates.

I used to like Hello Kitty. (I'm neutral now, even though I think its still cute.)
I've changed from liking red to blue to purple. (Haha its like some progression.)
I'm starting to like black.
I started to like to look at peoples' hands since a few years ago. :D
I'm starting to like horror and gore book and comics. (No movies please, I can't take the excitement. ><) Oh and give me Chinese. I can't stand English books lately. Unless its the sequel to Heartsick. I'll welcome it anytime.

I still don't have much likes and dislikes. That's like, sad.

I have always bitten my nails. (Oh I used to bite my toenails. Yes that is gross. When I'm adventurous I still do.) Oh but tell me to stop it. I'm trying to stop it. I shall strive to have nice hands and fingers too.

I don't know. I can't remember anything else. Actually I don't know why I'm doing this when I have so much work to do. But oh well. I'm just escaping from reality. Like, its 10 days to promos. Wow. I feel like I haven't done a thing. And there's still PW to worry about. Like my gosh.

I kinda wish I was staying on my own now. Really. I hate being treated like I can't do a thing. I more of an unsociable creature at home. I want to do my own things, do it my own way. Maybe its just the rebellious stage, but what crap. I'm 17. Maybe I can't be as meticulous as my mum in cleaning, maybe I can't be as good a cook as my mum, maybe I can't be as organised as my mum. But at least I know what I want. Its bad, not wanting to stay with my parents. But I kind of need my own space. Staying at my aunt's house helps a little, but I'm still not feeling good about others doing things for me. And feeding me. I feel like I'd rather stay in a hotel, permanently. Where at least I know I'm paying people. Okay I'm starting to sound like some spoilt brat. But I can do my own things, I'm really not a kid.

I'm kinda tired even though I slept a lot yesterday.

|| At 6:16 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Puffy.

♥Monday, September 14, 2009.

Tomorrow I'm going to have some big fat pufferfish eyes. This is the first time I ever wailed into a phone and to someone.

Talked to Wai Yee at the field today. It felt really nice. :D And we're going to share something with each other everyday. :D Haha hopefully we have enough things to share. I think so. Haha. Like how our houses will look like will probably take up a lot of days.

Its been a ... I can't think of an adjective to describe today. I feel so fake. Okay no. I don't know how I feel. Its been a quite fake day. Its like, there were big patches of times when I was smiling just for the sake of smiling. Its really disgusting. Especially to my family. It sucks to have to keep hiding your feelings, just cause you don't want to hurt others.

I'm tired. Really tired.

I'm not a kid. Stop treating me like a kid. I know how to do things. I am learning. Please don't take them all away from me.

I am tired.

|| At 10:13 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

HC.

♥Sunday, September 13, 2009.

Was talking with Ann over something that we both got really aggitated about. Like about students from our school. I can really identify with her.

Let me just throw out a random comment. Really, if all of us knew how HC was like on the inside, all of you people out there learn about the bad side of our students, I don't think you'll think as much of us as you are now. I know my language isn't very good, but I hope you get what I mean. Really, if outside people knew how inconsiderate people are and how bad they can get, I won't even be proud of ourselves. And to think we are some premier institution. Honestly, its not like I don't like HC or I'm not proud of HC now. There are some parts to school life which I think is really lovely now, such as having great friends and teachers around. But there are also some that actually shame me endlessly, and really make me think very badly of our students. I'm not saying that I'm an exception or anything; honestly, I think I've changed too. I've become less caring, less passionate, less observant. Its a really horrible feeling.

A long discussion. Haha. And I listed like a lot of examples. Haha let me write an essay on that, I think I'll ace it cause I have a lot of examples. Really. Its from what I've seen, heard, observed and even gone through. Haha. If you're interested you can talk to me about that topic. I've got truckloads to say. Just that its not very nice to be posting it here (even though I think not a lot of people read, but you never know..) Yea. Really, I'm very interested in this topic. Haha.

I know no one is perfect. Honestly. I think I'm far from perfect, even. Haha not as though I've ever gotten closer or anything. But I think reality is .. I can't think of a definitive adjective to describe, but yea, it makes me speechless sometimes. Oh well. Guess that's the world for you.

I'm doing retarded stuff like watching youtube videos. Haha. Really, its a good way to numb all feelings of guilt and pain. Haha. Like some drug like that. No lah. But its really addictive. :D

Just saw this quote from someone's blog. She is someone I admire a lot. Really.

When we are alive, we need to do things that make us feel right.

Things that give us that feeling that we are living our own lives, our own choices.

And if we are honest with our feelings,

we ought not feel bad for making others sad, because lying is worse.

Sounds really true and something to truly believe in isn't it. I really want to believe in it. Haha, but I can't agree with the last line actually. I can't come to terms with myself over that. Because its never always only about yourself. And lying is never always worse. I know that.

Haha suddenly this post turned emo. But honestly, after so much I've gone through (okay, not much, some people have gone through more.), things leave me kind of helpless, hopeless, speechless and yea. So there. Which led me to the conclusion above, actually.

Today's been really horrible. Like my sleeping pattern is getting really really really screwed up. And I've got nothing prepared for tomorrow. Well done. Really, I've got no drive over here.

I'm scared to go back to that time. Honestly. But I seem to be slipping back unknowingly.

And I've really set my mind to type that email to that certain someone. I'm sorry for everything. Really.

Its 12 now. But I don't think I can sleep, because I slept the entire afternoon. Told you my sleeping pattern is screwed. And I'm having really really really horrible breakouts. I'm damn freaking sad over it. ): Why do people have nice skin. Jealous. ><>

And I can't stop myself from biting my nails. They're getting way too short, its starting to hurt. Freak me.

I have an idea for a new artwork. Working on it now. :D Hopefully it'll turn out like what I imagine. And actually I'm thinking of having two versions. I'm going to try watercolour for the first time. :D Wish me good luck.

And honestly, drawing is therapeutic. :D

And I want my black toenails. ): My pedicure from Malaysia is coming off. ): Its damn cheap. And its damn pretty. :D Really. :D I'll still paint it black if I get another one. Its a nice contrast (cause my feet are freaking white. Haha.). I don't think I'll sleep early tonight actually.

And I've started journal entries on this com! Haha like typed out. Its so lazy, but its very me. Its like blogging without letting anyone know the content. And I think I type a lot of rubbish. Haha. I think I'll be amazed by myself if I read them again. Like how I get amused when I read my pst blogposts. Really, this blog is totally memorable. Haha. From its lousy name to its lousy typing style, its something that has accompanied me for... 5 years? Almost there. :D Really. I'm proud of it. I know I'll never remember what I've mentioned here, like if I type those vague and retarded stuff that calls people A and B, but I know its a record of my thoughts and my expectations. Haha. Its starting to get emo again. Really, I just keep lapsing into it huh. Hopefully I will be clear tomorrow. Or after tomorrow.

Honestly, I'm feeling really horrible now. Haha. Okay that wasn't very convincing, but yes, I am. I'm really sick and tired of smiling. And laughing, for that matter. Its really really really tiring trying to act happy when you're not. Especially at home, when you're supposed to be most relaxed and yourself. But I feel like I need a perma mask. Someone draw me a clown face. I'm really sick and tired. Especially when they try to be nice (or act nice) and talk to me. I know I can't control myself sometimes and end up showing black face that kind of thing. And I feel really guilty. I know my cousin once said, don't have to care, just be yourself. But I can't. Really, I think its a kind of self-hate thing. Haha like I really will hate me if I saw myself. I think I'm getting delusional. Lol. And really, its really tiring. Okay its like the fourth time I'm saying it but yes.

I don't want to make them worried. Really. I don't. That's the last thing I want to happen. They're the people I love the most, people I care about the most. I don't want them to suffer because of me. Because I know they already are suffering. I'm feeling quite horrible for being so uncaring, really. And very bu dong shi (lazy change to chinese. ><). I know I've been spoilt, bad. Really. I know. I know I'm not a good daughter. To think they love me so much. Arg.

Okay I really should stop. Haha. This post is getting meaningless. And I only actually wanted to talk about the first part of the blog post actually. Its like I'm moving my journal entry out here.

Oh to Qian Wen: Haha yes yes come see! :D Although I don't know whether my mum will allow, but don't care, she's going Malaysia these few days. I'll drag you here if I need to. :D Hahaha. And actually I think it looks nicer in picture than on the wall actually, cause it doesn't really look very .. clean? As in sharp, crisp. Haha. But I still like the roses. :D

Okay its a really long post. My posts are getting kind of long and whiny (I almost typed windy. Haha.). All rights. I shall go type a journal entry now. :D

|| At 10:48 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Maybe they don't know.

♥Saturday, September 12, 2009.

Or maybe they don't care. Haha. Its lucky I have these thick framed glasses. Kinda hides my eyes well.

Spent last night thinking about a lot a lot of things. I think I think too much. Its not like I'll type them here. That reminds me, I resolved to type an email to someone last night. I don't know whether I'll have the courage to.

Thanks Wai Yee, whether you see this or not. Thanks for replying my message. :D

I realise I keep worrying about nothing. I worry about unnecessary things.

Are people really selfish? I keep convincing myself otherwise, but reality keeps pulling me back. I think we are. Things we do are to protect ourselves, protect our name, protect our image. Maybe once in a while, we'll do something not for ourselves, but most of the time, we aren't. We eat, rest, work, play just to satisfy our so called purpose of living. So what if I can eat a lot, so what if I can sleep a lot, so what if I can work a lot, so what if I can earn a lot of money? All of it is going to end someday. Why are we fighting so hard? Why can't we just enjoy living?

I'm feeling kind of phillosophical today. Maybe I should do a GP essay on this kind of day. Seems like I'm going to come up with something worthy of KI even. Haha.

Why am I not average? I would rather be. Who said mediocre was bad? I would rather be. I know, its just me, but I don't understand. Honestly speaking, I don't understand a lot of things. I don't, I don't I don't.

Two more days till school reopens. I haven't started a single piece of work or revision. Its not like I'm not worried; all the more I should be studying since I missed an entire month. But I just can't. I just can't sit there and read and do and read and do something I don't even understand and I don't even want to understand.

There are a lot of options, aren't there?

And I've sort of come to a conclusion.

My mind's as twisted as the world is.

|| At 7:05 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Photos. :D

♥Thursday, September 10, 2009.

Pretty pretty roses. Okay I admit the butterfly's a little screwed. My mum lah. Suggest what legs. The third last picture's a little dark, cause the light doesn't really reach the corner. But the last two roses are the nicest I think. :D Haha come come come my house and see. :D But must disinfect your entire body first, depending on whether my mum's in. Hoho.

Tired like crap. Spent 5-6 hours on all these. Pretty. If we're gonna sell this house I'll just ask them to paint the whole bloody room black. Haha. I think a black room's cool too.

Bleh tired.

|| At 10:49 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Tattoo.

♥.

I swear if I don't make it in art, I'll become a tattooist. Haha. Really. And I want to get a tattoo on my wrist. Honest. Its so hidable. Haha.

|| At 8:50 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Damn.

♥.

Stop being so nice. I become a worse person if you keep doing this.

I've got a rose up. :D And its really pretty. With help from my mum. Haha.

Yea yea. Prettaye. :D Though my fingers are kinda black now. Haha. I shall take another photo when my butterflies and roses are done. :D

|| At 4:15 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

True colours.

♥.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

My heart is aching.

If you don't trust in me, I don't know who else will. Now I realize, you don't.

My world collapsed the moment you said that.

And I'm hundred percent sure you lied. He doesn't say this kind of thing, only you do.

Fuck.

I don't know how to react.

Maybe that's the truth. Maybe that's why I'm so flustered by it. But no. The reason why I hate you so much for doing this is because at this point of time, you lost your confidence in me. At this time when I don't even have confidence in myself, you decide to cut off the only thing that's keeping me sane, your confidence in me.

I don't expect you to demand nothing from me. That's impossible. I know. But now you demand everything from me. Its overwhelming, you know.

I really need to talk to someone. Anyone. Please just call me. I feel like I'm going to break anytime.

Stop acting in front of me. The moment you said that to me, I've lost all my hopes that I've placed on you.

Maybe I am giving up. But I thought you said its fine before. Why is it not fine now? Just because I'm going back to normal? Do you know the pain I'm going through?

Stop threatening me. I know what I'm going to miss if I screw this up. ESIP. Scholarships. Art. I know all that.

And are you telling me you let me spend all that money just because that would be something for you to threaten me with? Haha. Now I know. Now I know. Whatever happened to "as long as you're happy"? So I'm cheating you. I lied to you about working hard. I lied to you about trying to promote. I just said all that to make you buy all these things for me. And then I don't tell you anything about my studies because I'm trying to cover up what I'm not doing. I'm faking it all.

If that's your view of me, I don't know what to say.

I don't know if that's the truth, honestly. But if you have never gone through the feeling of not wanting to do something, don't assume that of me. So I have such ulterior motives huh. I can't believe you. I can't believe myself.

Mum, I hate you.

|| At 2:10 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

No.

♥.

I just can't say no. Freak. I need to give myself a punch.

I know I can't do it. But I'm expected to. Always. Damn. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing a thing, but I can't.

Shit. This is the worst feeling ever.

Its the kind of time when you feel like you'd rather be a fairy tale character instead.

Like seriously, where's my happily ever after?

Fairy tales will be fairy tales.

Today's a horrible day. Even though I felt a little happy here and there, today sucked. On the whole at least.

Sucks sucks sucks.

|| At 1:24 AM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Butterfly.

♥Wednesday, September 09, 2009.

I think butterflies are the most beautiful creature on Earth. Like really. I really ought to get a butterfly tatoo. We'll see.

I'm thinking of painting stuff on my wall. And I shall. I shall make my room theme close to black and white. Although I'm quite discouraged by my yellowing cupboard, but I shall strive to make it as cozy as possible. Maybe I'm just wasting my time. But hey, when have we not been wasting our time doing redundant stuff. As long as I enjoy the process, I don't think anything's the matter.

You know. I just calculated what I need to get for promos. Haha. Can you believe it. To get an A in math I need to get 93 marks. Haha that's like insane. -.- I don't even know whether I'll pass yah.

Damn. I know you're worried about me not getting promoted. But what the. I thought you said its fine. Fuck. Don't tell me one thing now and another later. That sucks to the core. Don't give me double expectations.

I'll get temperamental if you talk to me again about anything related to that. I'm serious. I'm not giving up okay. Are you satisfied?

I wonder who I'm studying. Myself or my mum. If you're not the one doing it, then please don't tell me what to do. At least I still know what I'm doing. And don't you threaten me with art. I will always find a way. Its my life, come on. I want to do something I want, no matter how tough it is to survive.

Hate.

|| At 10:09 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Just another day.

♥Tuesday, September 08, 2009.

Today is the day I discover that besides purple, I actually like black too. Actually not as much, but when theres limited choice, I would absolutely rather black. But it doesn't seem that the world can just exist with purple and black huh. If there are no other colours, how would I know these two are the ones that scream out at me.

Just a random thought.

Its holidays. Not too exciting.

You're absolutely right. Honestly. I don't know how else to put it.

You know, I can't stop thinking, dreaming.

I want my own house. I want a place where I'm free to do what I want.

My mind's in a mess now.

I think I get what you mean when you said that.

|| At 7:07 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

Schema.

♥Thursday, September 03, 2009.

I need a more positive schema. Shrugs.

Its been a really tiring day. Right, when is ever that I'm not tired.

Everytime I go for counselling sessions, I come out a little sadder than I went in. I don't know why. Probably just self-realization that I shouldn't continue being the me now, but I just can't help it. And it just makese me more disappointed in myself.

Maybe I really don't know how to manage my time well. All that in the past was a facade. I don't know what I'm doing now.

I don't think simply worrying about things I have not done is being responsible, I disagree with you on that.

Am I too harsh on myself? Maybe, maybe not.

But I always feel like I'm not trying my best. Like everytime.

I agree. I think I overcare. But I just don't want to do something that I won't want others to do to me.

Maybe I just want to get approval. Get acknowledgement. Get attention. Get friends.

I don't know.

I guess I just have to try to psycho myself. Into thinking I have a positive schema.

But I'm not exactly a positive person myself. Haha. What a joke.

Back to normal daily stuff. PW is a mass massacre of my brain cells. And my eyes. -.- And I'm pissed with the horrendous colour of my printer. And I'm angry with my glue. Damn. So everthing has to go against me huh.

And I promise myself, I'll get a freaking tablet on my own. SERIOUSLY. It sucks working with a mouse. Honestly. Please, any kind soul, donate to the Jocelyn's tablet fund. I shall aim for the Bamboo Fun, from Wacom, is it? But its bloody expensive. But I heard its more sensitive. Okay I know Wacom Intuo is a lot better for art, but please, its bloody expensive. I'll start small. :D

I'm glad to get my type style finder book today. :D Thanks to Jenzi's Harris discount voucher. :D HAPPY. And Jenzi! If you ever see this, GET WELL SOON KAY! :D

Thanks Joleen for the Kangaroo. :D Haha you really brought one back for me! :D (Mainly because I've gotten a lot of Koalas but not kangaroos. Hurhur. They got a fetish for K isit. Koala, Kangaroo, Kiwi. ><

Its time to return to PW. EXPLODES. Few more hours of staring at this tiny screen and trying to make sure the bloody colour matches. And my printer better not screw up today. ><

|| At 7:39 PM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||

♥Wednesday, September 02, 2009.

Its been a horrible horrible two days. Like honestly horrible. Since yesterday afternoon, I haven't been able to shake of the guilt. Damn.

Firstly, I really need to apologise to a few groups of people. But I haven't got the courage to do so in person. I haven't got the effort to do so either.

Fac Comm.

I'm really really really really sorry. I really wanted to do something for our fac. But as I went through everything, I felt honestly useless. I'm sorry to teachers, seniors, fac heads who put their trust in my abilities. I know its especially tough for other fac comm members because they've got to cover projects I was supposed to be handling. And yesterday, when Alfred asked me a question, I couldn't answer. I felt so ashamed that I did not live up to his expectations. To all your expectations. I'm sorry.

Netball.

Honestly, this should be first, but because I just couldn't put fac comm away from my worries, I had to put this second. Again, I'm really sorry for letting down all of you. I know you guys believe in me, and are willing to support me. But I'm the one with no confidence in myself. I've always wanted to ask Sharon, how can I expect something out of others when I can't even believe I can do it myself? Thats the question I wanted to ask, when she advised me not to worry about scolding you during trainings. Thats the worry that just kept surfacing, whenever I wanted to comment. "Would I have been able to do it, if I were in your position?" If I wasn't, that what right do I have to ask that of you? But I never had the courage to ask that question. I wanted to, but like always, like when I'm facing others with my true thoughts, I didn't dare to. I'm still worried about all of you, you know. Like when you're going to stop training, because I think its time all of us settle down to concentrate on our exams. And you know what, I was really glad seeing Jaime's nba saying this is the last week of training before your break. Maybe partly I'm guilty for not joining you. But I'm really worried about all of you. And sorry for not joining in trainings. Its really tough for me to go back to something I'm totally not confident of doing my best in. Sorry.

PW Group.

Gosh. I'm horrified by myself. I'm really utterly sorry. I keep promising I'll do the posters, the flyers, part 3, but I haven't accomplished any of them. I'm feeling honestly horrible. I'm really sorry. I wish I could do more. But I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't know what's there for me to say, I think I've failed to do my part. I'm sorry.

09S73.

Damn, I'm feeling worse and worse as I continue. I've failed as your CT rep. Urk. Honestly I don't know how to face you. ><

I realise that I'm feeling more and more negative as I go on. Like I said, its been a horrible two days. I think its the idea of being alone. But its not like I can keep up the smiles for that long. Its really tiring.

Maybe its what SHE said. Haha. Honestly, no matter how much I smile at her and nod, I hate her. Yes. She probably makes sense sometimes, but she is so bloody insensitive I feel like just giving her a punch. Please make it seem like I'm useless. Please make it seem like I can't differentiate right or wrong. Fuck. You mean my values will just change overnight? I'm just not doing too well now. Don't make it sound like I'm some ... I don't know. I'm just irritated by you.

That didn't get rid of that thought in my mind. Sucks to remember. Sucks to think.

I'm so tired. I'm so so tired.

I just got reminded of the conversation with Wai Yee on last day of blocks. Haha. Maybe till now, I still can't bring myself to talk about things that honestly matter to me.

My head just hurts thinking.

And guess what. I think I suck. I'm really fortunate. I have family and friends around me. People who care for me. My parents keep reminding me, that I am fortunate. Because they never refuse me. Yea, I totally agree. Bloody hell, I'm so spoilt. Yes but here I am, being the weakling I am, complaining about my seemingly wonderful life. Haha. Seriously, what's wrong with me.

I should sleep. Its coming back to me.

I just read Doubt. As in comic. Scary. But thought provoking. Who's there to trust, when everyone's only concerned with themselves. Lies breed doubt. Great theme.

I just finished Mx0 too. Kind of cool. But the ending's kind of sudden.

I'm feeling better distracting myself.

I hope I can sleep tonight.

|| At 12:00 AM, Jocelyn thought so.♥ ||