For once, or for maybe alot of times before, I'm out of words to blog about.

I'm kind of tired. Of a lot of things.

I know I've got to make a decision. Fast. But, its something which I don't want to think about. Really, its not that I freaking forgot. Its just something I don't want to remember. I kind of don't want to remember anything that's got to do with it. Never thought it could remain in my mind as such a bad experience.

I want to take her suggestion, but its kind of tough to go around asking that kind of question. Like I said, I'm really not used to talking to people about things that matter a lot to me. Its because they matter so much that I'm afraid to hear what others have to say. I don't want anything to become an excuse for me to escape things. I think I've done that far enough. It itself is adding to my stress.

Maybe I do make unfair comparisons. But really, these comparisons make sense. At least to me. At least to some people out there. Maybe like what Mrs Goh said, we can't make everyone like us. We just need to love people who love us. And not do things that will end up hurting people who love us. I'm greedy. I honestly think I love everyone (well, almost) so I probably would expect the care and concern of everyone. Its like, no matter what's the decision I make, I will hurt one side.

I know. I'm selfish. Like I said, if I could, I would only do what I like. But I need to learn how to be selective in the things I do. Maybe what Mrs Goh said was right. I do prefer a supportive role, rather than the leading role. I'm am insecure leader. Honestly, that's what I think as well. And I hope I haven't done anything to hurt anyone just to make myself feel better. I'd hate myself if I did that in the past. But really, don't put such high hopes on me, I'm not as good as you think. Maybe I need to change my mindset, maybe I need to change the way I view myself. Need to change my self-perception that I'm unworthy of things around me. And others are more worthy of them. I just keep thinking; would things have been different if I had done otherwise then? I know these thoughts are kind of useless, but they just keep popping up. Imagine going through an entire year not being who you really are.

Let me just take this chance to tell everyone.

I am not vocal. Honestly, I'll only be loud and talkative if I am comfortable with talking in the group and its something I have a true view of. But how many times, have I been put in the situation, where I really have nothing to say, but being forced to say something, just because. Mrs Goh is right. I know I'm in between an extrovert and an introvert. So no matter how much or how hard I try, I can never do it better than an extrovert.

I'm feeling kind of bottled up still. Pfft.

And honestly, I'm not always in a good mood, even if I look like I am. Haha, you can ask my Nanyang teammates. They've gotten a lot of shit from me. I've learnt to control most of that now. I don't know whether that's good or bad. It seems like second nature to me to hide it from people. Just so they won't ask. And because I've got a reputation to hold up.

Haha. Maybe I just can't put my pride down. Yea, I guess that's it. Its just that simple.

Yea, I agree with Wai Yee. All of us are selfish. Really. All. And we do things to protect ourselves. To protect how we look to others. Its low. But that's what happens. Sometimes I feel like Ido some things merely to show off. But looking at it differently, its a way for us to feel better about ourselves. By making it seem like we are better than who we really are. Honestly, its a freaking big lie. That's what I mean when I always say everyone's a hypocrite. Its a pessimistic viewpoint, but I believe in it. Maybe I've seen too much of these kinds of people.

I don't know how people deal with this. I ought to learn how to.

My mum just discouraged me from going to Library Book Sale. ): Bleh. Bye, art books. ): They freaking cost a bomb as new books okay. Even magazines. Its time for another trip to Bras Basah Complex. I'm in love with that place.

Anyway. I'm getting quite tired.