Feeling more at peace now. Guess the medcine's working well.

Sorry to all who expect much more of me, and to all that I have hoped to fulfill your expectations. I have failed. I have failed my expectations too, and people around me just keep saying I have too high expectations of myself, but I don't think so. Haha whatever it is, at least I'm in touch with reality now.

Sucks to know that I have just two more days to prepare myself for Monday. Exciting. I've got zero things ready for Monday. I don't know what lectures are going to be about, what we're supposed to prepare for tutorials. But I know, my EOM is bloody overdue. Fine, shall deal with it tomorrow.

If any of you are wondering what I've been doing the past month. I've basically been slacking. Haha jealous, aren't you? The first two weeks were kind of horrible. Not the part about staying over at my cousin's, but hearing about how devastated my mum became. Please add on to my misery. But yea, I'm back home now and I'm feeling kind of fine. Probably will think abit more at times, but mostly I just lie in bed and watch TV. Damn I wish I could do this forever.

I was convinced that I'll stop for the year. But Mrs Chin managed to persuade me out of it. So I'll try it out next week.

I agree with Mrs Goh, I really need to let go of stuff. Hurhur. The idea of returning is kind of overwhelming with all that bugging me.

I think its an accumulation over these two years. These two dreadful years of my life. Haha. So pathetic. Didn't know things could make me this way. Haha damn, I'm just too weak huh. People survived, why can't I?

I think I've been trying to hard to please everyone and live up to my name. And my reputation. (or whatever's left of it.) And its tiring. When I know I'm really not good enough. But I don't want to let people down, especially those who love me.

Counselling sessions in school have been not too bad. At least I realised that my self-worth equation is screwed. Haha. And now, I'm learning to push away things that don't belong to me. That I don't want. I like the idea of the stress/stimulation graph. Kind of shows I've long gone over my peak.

Whatever said.

I love my family. Yes, that includes my crazy mum. She is obviously happy that I'm going back to school. And for last night, for the first time in these weeks, she didn't need sleeping pills. But I just can't bring myself to tell her that all that she's doing is putting pressure on me. But I believe I'll make it. I love my dad. Gosh, he's been so so so strong. I don't know what our family will happen without him. Thank God for my parents.

I love my relatives as well. I know they love me for who I am, and not what I can achieve. Thank God.

I love my friends. For their SMSes, Emails, Gifts. And Wai Yee, thanks for doing so much for me. Sorry to be so much of a burden in addition to your own work. Really miss you too. :D

Sorry to those whom I never reply, because I'm rarely in the mood to reply SMSes (I probably sent less than 50 SMS in the past 4 weeks.). Emails too, I've only gone online like recently.

Felt really great to have seen some of you yesterday. It really strengthened my will to return. Haha and thanks Qian Wen for talking so long to me. :D

Thank God for all of you who love me for who I am and not what I can achieve. I'm sorry to have fallen short of your expectations, if any.

But I'm kinda irritated. Haha. My mum keeps saying I'm weak and not strong. Eh come on, I've lasted through 2 years of heavy responsibility. And I really don't think I'm a responsible person, whatever people say. Really. But please acknowledge that, please acknowledge the fact that I have lasted so long without breaking. (Until now that is.) And stop telling me that I'm not strong. If I wasn't I would'nt even have gone as far as this.

I know I'm not always right.

I'm not always the person you see on the outside.

But please know that I really tried,

and I got so tired that I cried.

Oops. I don't have uniform for tomorrow. Haha damn. Shall iron tomorrow. Goodbye! :D