My counsellor has tasked me to think of two more instances where the responsibility does not lie in me but lies in others. And you know, I just keep struggling to find one. It hurts when I think about everything around me, and I realise so many people expect so many things out of me. I kind of need to remind you, I'm a mere 17 year-old student who's learning to do the best I can.

Let me tell you a story about myself.

She's working really hard. Or maybe she isn't, she just makes it look like she is. She's kind of more talk than actions. But she's really upset with herself, because she feels she's not doing enough. She feels she can do better, always do, but she just lacks the drive, the motivation, the passion. Maybe she once had it, but now she has lost it.

A lot of people have encouraged me lately, through letters, through hugs, through gifts and most importantly through talking to me. Really, its made me stronger.

I'm kind of struck by what Ms Yeo told me.

Who am I?

What are the things that matter to me the most?

I don't know if she's trying to encourage me by saying all these about me. And I really thank her for telling me what she thinks. But as I think back again on my own, I kind of make everything past tense. I probably was once confident of myself, as a daughter, as a friend and as a leader. But I think this confidence crumbled over these 2 years. Sure, I can still act confident, but I know that's not what I am inside. I probably was once capable. Looking at myself now, I don't know what I am. I'm probably just a mess. I probably was once jovial, happy go lucky, cheerful, from the bottom of my heart. But now I feel like an empty shell. Sure I still laugh and joke and be loud, but when I'm alone I feel more empty than ever. I think Soo Han's right, Our minds can generate more negative thoughts than we can imagine. Especially when we're alone. I probably was once responsible. But I feel like I'd rather not be, because look at all the kinds of things it has brought me.

I know, I shouldn't talk about glories of my past or anything like that, because what matters is what I can do NOW. But you know, I can't do anything now. Nor in the past. Its like, I just wanna run away from everything. Everything I hate. Everyone I hate.

Maybe not being truly myself for the past two years made me more twisted than I ever was.

I know I'm supposed to be positive. Haha that's what the world tells me. And the world tells me that I'm expecting too much from myself. But honestly, if I think I can do this much, it means I believe I can. I may be a perfectionist in some sense, but the entire opposite in another. Its kind of tiring being one, so I cut myself a lot of slack. Well, that's my retribution I guess.

I think I make no sense. Haha.

Maybe you think I don't care, but honestly, I care too much. I care so much that I'm still thinking of how you treated me, how others treated me.

Please, I beg you, don't bring me up so high into the sky, and let go of me, expecting me to have wings.

I'm merely a bird in a cage, don't expect me to fly.

Even when I start learning to, don't send lightnings in my way, I don't think I can survive.

Basically that's where I am now, fallen with a cry.

I am selfish. I want to do things only for myself. I only want to do things that I like. Or things that I need.

Maybe its time to set my priorities right. So what if others don't like me. I can't expect everyone to like me.

Ms Yeo's right. Maybe sometimes we're just given responsibilities based on what they expect and assume of us. We need not take them all upon ourselves. Correction, I need not take them all upon myself. Damn my mind's working too hard. I need a break. Its time for some journal writing.