And I still want a tablet. ): I've been looking around, but all of them are like quite expensive. And I'm not too sure how good they are also. Grr. Anyone recommend please?

Today's a really slack day and I had a massive headache the entire day. Urk.

And my mum got pissed with me for not wanting to eat fruits. Damn irritating. I pray she wouldn'tr just blow up at me like that.

I haven't gotten around to do presents yet. Damn.

Its been a draggy day. And I desperately need a trip to Kino.

I'm tired.

I'm playing some amusing computer game now. Hurhur. Like I never play before like that.

I'm feeling kinda PMS-y today. I have no freaking idea why. Well. To say it again, if you didn't already know, I'm feeling bloody tired everyday. Like everyday. Its like, one now. Feeling kind of restless.

Today has been quite a thinking day for me. Thought about alot of things, guess I'll type them here. Since I honestly don't wish to write them out. Yes I am ego and I am selfish. So all of the below will be about me myself and I. :D

I feel sucky. Like, real sucky. Honestly, I don't want to give myself any excuse. But I just keep doing it. Just because I don't have the strength and courage to meet with my problems head on. This really sucks. Honestly. Today was a really bad day for me. It was the kind of day where I wish I could be rotting somewhere else, just not being in school. Not seeing people. Not seeing people talking and laughing. Not seeing those damn words on freaking white paper. All of it just makes me feel so disgusted. With myself. I need some real strength in me. I probably need to be fearless and not just confident. Haha.

I think I'm taking on more than I can manage now. I feel like I'm crumbling. Maybe my mum's really right in saying that I'm not strong. I'm too dependent.

I kind of want to return to double dosage. This is getting crappy.

I am freaking tired everyday. Damn. I sleep so much and I'm still tired. I'm such a pig. I know, my normal body clock requires me to sleep 12 hours a day. To feel energetic. But I've survived on 2 hours a day before. I don't know why I just can't even last past 12am these days. Its such a disgusting feeling of guilt. Maybe yes, I do feel guilty of sleeping so much and doing so little. I obviously know I can do it, I have done so much before. But I just can't bring myself to do it. Its so..frustrating.

I really like to be in the company of others. Really. I don't know what I'll do without people around me. Family, friends, people who care about me. Like now, my mind is in a whirl when I'm alone. Does solitude leads to this? Haha then I guess 17 years of such loneliness probably affected me after all huh.

I don't know what's this feeling I have. Its the kind where, I let myself off too lightly. Just because I know people don't expect so much of me now. But I feel like I'm letting myself down. Because I know I'm capable of doing so much more and doing so much better.

Fuck.

This is like the first time I ever spelt this word full on my blog. Kewl.

But really.

I'm really tired.

I just want a shoulder to lean on. I wish I could just stop. But freak, I just need to keep going on. I know I have to.

Last night was a night full of thoughts as well. I think this world is amazing.

I really feel like sleeping now. I can't take it anymore.

For once, or for maybe alot of times before, I'm out of words to blog about.

I'm kind of tired. Of a lot of things.

I know I've got to make a decision. Fast. But, its something which I don't want to think about. Really, its not that I freaking forgot. Its just something I don't want to remember. I kind of don't want to remember anything that's got to do with it. Never thought it could remain in my mind as such a bad experience.

I want to take her suggestion, but its kind of tough to go around asking that kind of question. Like I said, I'm really not used to talking to people about things that matter a lot to me. Its because they matter so much that I'm afraid to hear what others have to say. I don't want anything to become an excuse for me to escape things. I think I've done that far enough. It itself is adding to my stress.

Maybe I do make unfair comparisons. But really, these comparisons make sense. At least to me. At least to some people out there. Maybe like what Mrs Goh said, we can't make everyone like us. We just need to love people who love us. And not do things that will end up hurting people who love us. I'm greedy. I honestly think I love everyone (well, almost) so I probably would expect the care and concern of everyone. Its like, no matter what's the decision I make, I will hurt one side.

I know. I'm selfish. Like I said, if I could, I would only do what I like. But I need to learn how to be selective in the things I do. Maybe what Mrs Goh said was right. I do prefer a supportive role, rather than the leading role. I'm am insecure leader. Honestly, that's what I think as well. And I hope I haven't done anything to hurt anyone just to make myself feel better. I'd hate myself if I did that in the past. But really, don't put such high hopes on me, I'm not as good as you think. Maybe I need to change my mindset, maybe I need to change the way I view myself. Need to change my self-perception that I'm unworthy of things around me. And others are more worthy of them. I just keep thinking; would things have been different if I had done otherwise then? I know these thoughts are kind of useless, but they just keep popping up. Imagine going through an entire year not being who you really are.

Let me just take this chance to tell everyone.

I am not vocal. Honestly, I'll only be loud and talkative if I am comfortable with talking in the group and its something I have a true view of. But how many times, have I been put in the situation, where I really have nothing to say, but being forced to say something, just because. Mrs Goh is right. I know I'm in between an extrovert and an introvert. So no matter how much or how hard I try, I can never do it better than an extrovert.

I'm feeling kind of bottled up still. Pfft.

And honestly, I'm not always in a good mood, even if I look like I am. Haha, you can ask my Nanyang teammates. They've gotten a lot of shit from me. I've learnt to control most of that now. I don't know whether that's good or bad. It seems like second nature to me to hide it from people. Just so they won't ask. And because I've got a reputation to hold up.

Haha. Maybe I just can't put my pride down. Yea, I guess that's it. Its just that simple.

Yea, I agree with Wai Yee. All of us are selfish. Really. All. And we do things to protect ourselves. To protect how we look to others. Its low. But that's what happens. Sometimes I feel like Ido some things merely to show off. But looking at it differently, its a way for us to feel better about ourselves. By making it seem like we are better than who we really are. Honestly, its a freaking big lie. That's what I mean when I always say everyone's a hypocrite. Its a pessimistic viewpoint, but I believe in it. Maybe I've seen too much of these kinds of people.

I don't know how people deal with this. I ought to learn how to.

My mum just discouraged me from going to Library Book Sale. ): Bleh. Bye, art books. ): They freaking cost a bomb as new books okay. Even magazines. Its time for another trip to Bras Basah Complex. I'm in love with that place.

Anyway. I'm getting quite tired.

Anyway, enough of rambling about my inability to write a journal.

Today, I feel..thankful to God for all of the things He has given me. I read the daily devotion for yesterday, which was inspiring.

Job 5:19

He shall deliver you in six troubles, yes, in seven no evil shall touch you.

God will deliver you from all your troubles, but deliverance is not the best that God has for you.

As long as you keep believing God's promise of protection, you will come to a place where no evil can touch you. So when trouble comes, God does not want me to be discouraged. It is only the devil trying to steal His Word from my heart.

Even if you stub your toe against something hard, don't be discouraged and wonder why God did not protect you. The devil had meant to cause greater harm to you, but thank God that he could not because God is watching over you.

I think this devotion goes out to all who are struggling, with studies, relationships, family problems or with life itself.

I will stay strong, because I believe in His plan for me. And I'm praying for the rest of you as well, my family, my friends and all around me who are disheartened.

I know I have to like, go do math now. Mrs Boo totally enlightened me about vectors today. But she went quite fast. Haha. I hope I understand. ><>

My counsellor has tasked me to think of two more instances where the responsibility does not lie in me but lies in others. And you know, I just keep struggling to find one. It hurts when I think about everything around me, and I realise so many people expect so many things out of me. I kind of need to remind you, I'm a mere 17 year-old student who's learning to do the best I can.

Let me tell you a story about myself.

She's working really hard. Or maybe she isn't, she just makes it look like she is. She's kind of more talk than actions. But she's really upset with herself, because she feels she's not doing enough. She feels she can do better, always do, but she just lacks the drive, the motivation, the passion. Maybe she once had it, but now she has lost it.

A lot of people have encouraged me lately, through letters, through hugs, through gifts and most importantly through talking to me. Really, its made me stronger.

I'm kind of struck by what Ms Yeo told me.

Who am I?

What are the things that matter to me the most?

I don't know if she's trying to encourage me by saying all these about me. And I really thank her for telling me what she thinks. But as I think back again on my own, I kind of make everything past tense. I probably was once confident of myself, as a daughter, as a friend and as a leader. But I think this confidence crumbled over these 2 years. Sure, I can still act confident, but I know that's not what I am inside. I probably was once capable. Looking at myself now, I don't know what I am. I'm probably just a mess. I probably was once jovial, happy go lucky, cheerful, from the bottom of my heart. But now I feel like an empty shell. Sure I still laugh and joke and be loud, but when I'm alone I feel more empty than ever. I think Soo Han's right, Our minds can generate more negative thoughts than we can imagine. Especially when we're alone. I probably was once responsible. But I feel like I'd rather not be, because look at all the kinds of things it has brought me.

I know, I shouldn't talk about glories of my past or anything like that, because what matters is what I can do NOW. But you know, I can't do anything now. Nor in the past. Its like, I just wanna run away from everything. Everything I hate. Everyone I hate.

Maybe not being truly myself for the past two years made me more twisted than I ever was.

I know I'm supposed to be positive. Haha that's what the world tells me. And the world tells me that I'm expecting too much from myself. But honestly, if I think I can do this much, it means I believe I can. I may be a perfectionist in some sense, but the entire opposite in another. Its kind of tiring being one, so I cut myself a lot of slack. Well, that's my retribution I guess.

I think I make no sense. Haha.

Maybe you think I don't care, but honestly, I care too much. I care so much that I'm still thinking of how you treated me, how others treated me.

Please, I beg you, don't bring me up so high into the sky, and let go of me, expecting me to have wings.

I'm merely a bird in a cage, don't expect me to fly.

Even when I start learning to, don't send lightnings in my way, I don't think I can survive.

Basically that's where I am now, fallen with a cry.

I am selfish. I want to do things only for myself. I only want to do things that I like. Or things that I need.

Maybe its time to set my priorities right. So what if others don't like me. I can't expect everyone to like me.

Ms Yeo's right. Maybe sometimes we're just given responsibilities based on what they expect and assume of us. We need not take them all upon ourselves. Correction, I need not take them all upon myself. Damn my mind's working too hard. I need a break. Its time for some journal writing.

Feeling more at peace now. Guess the medcine's working well.

Sorry to all who expect much more of me, and to all that I have hoped to fulfill your expectations. I have failed. I have failed my expectations too, and people around me just keep saying I have too high expectations of myself, but I don't think so. Haha whatever it is, at least I'm in touch with reality now.

Sucks to know that I have just two more days to prepare myself for Monday. Exciting. I've got zero things ready for Monday. I don't know what lectures are going to be about, what we're supposed to prepare for tutorials. But I know, my EOM is bloody overdue. Fine, shall deal with it tomorrow.

If any of you are wondering what I've been doing the past month. I've basically been slacking. Haha jealous, aren't you? The first two weeks were kind of horrible. Not the part about staying over at my cousin's, but hearing about how devastated my mum became. Please add on to my misery. But yea, I'm back home now and I'm feeling kind of fine. Probably will think abit more at times, but mostly I just lie in bed and watch TV. Damn I wish I could do this forever.

I was convinced that I'll stop for the year. But Mrs Chin managed to persuade me out of it. So I'll try it out next week.

I agree with Mrs Goh, I really need to let go of stuff. Hurhur. The idea of returning is kind of overwhelming with all that bugging me.

I think its an accumulation over these two years. These two dreadful years of my life. Haha. So pathetic. Didn't know things could make me this way. Haha damn, I'm just too weak huh. People survived, why can't I?

I think I've been trying to hard to please everyone and live up to my name. And my reputation. (or whatever's left of it.) And its tiring. When I know I'm really not good enough. But I don't want to let people down, especially those who love me.

Counselling sessions in school have been not too bad. At least I realised that my self-worth equation is screwed. Haha. And now, I'm learning to push away things that don't belong to me. That I don't want. I like the idea of the stress/stimulation graph. Kind of shows I've long gone over my peak.

Whatever said.

I love my family. Yes, that includes my crazy mum. She is obviously happy that I'm going back to school. And for last night, for the first time in these weeks, she didn't need sleeping pills. But I just can't bring myself to tell her that all that she's doing is putting pressure on me. But I believe I'll make it. I love my dad. Gosh, he's been so so so strong. I don't know what our family will happen without him. Thank God for my parents.

I love my relatives as well. I know they love me for who I am, and not what I can achieve. Thank God.

I love my friends. For their SMSes, Emails, Gifts. And Wai Yee, thanks for doing so much for me. Sorry to be so much of a burden in addition to your own work. Really miss you too. :D

Sorry to those whom I never reply, because I'm rarely in the mood to reply SMSes (I probably sent less than 50 SMS in the past 4 weeks.). Emails too, I've only gone online like recently.

Felt really great to have seen some of you yesterday. It really strengthened my will to return. Haha and thanks Qian Wen for talking so long to me. :D

Thank God for all of you who love me for who I am and not what I can achieve. I'm sorry to have fallen short of your expectations, if any.

But I'm kinda irritated. Haha. My mum keeps saying I'm weak and not strong. Eh come on, I've lasted through 2 years of heavy responsibility. And I really don't think I'm a responsible person, whatever people say. Really. But please acknowledge that, please acknowledge the fact that I have lasted so long without breaking. (Until now that is.) And stop telling me that I'm not strong. If I wasn't I would'nt even have gone as far as this.

I know I'm not always right.

I'm not always the person you see on the outside.

But please know that I really tried,

and I got so tired that I cried.

Oops. I don't have uniform for tomorrow. Haha damn. Shall iron tomorrow. Goodbye! :D