Its such a torture doing something you won't even think you'll ever be doing even 3 years down the road.

Reading Education package was kind of inspiring. "Kind of", because its "kind of" unachievable. Oh well. I refuse to believe qualifications matter that much.

Maybe I was hoping for something when I talked to her today. Hoped. Seems like she got my point. Seems like she refuses to admit she did. IDK. At least she saw it. A burning inside.

I'm sad to say today was epic fail day. As usual. But you know, I kind of don't want to care anymore.

Know what I used to say holds my life together? Feels like its fallen apart for me as well. I've got practically nothing holding me back except for responsibilities. And pride. And comfort. I never knew. Or maybe I never wanted to believe it. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but look, is it working? It just makes me feel like I'm tearing parts of myself away to fit into that frame everyone admires.

And you know what? One thing I hate to hear from people is anything to do with me being smart. It turns me off. I'd rather not be. Maybe I can do the things I like then. Maybe I won't be stuck here. I won't know, I guess. But, please don't call me smart, if you really care about my feelings.

I really don't know. I need to talk to someone with ambition. I don't need pragmatism. Or more like, I need it but I don't want it. Its that kind of contradiction. I need some acknowledgment. I need some feedback. And then after all that, I guess I'll need some love.

I've found a new idol. Her story is striking. It makes me want to do the same. Can I? We'll see. For now, I'll find comfort in just following, and doing it my way.

At least I settled one thing I'm unsatisfied with. Its a cowardly way of solving it, but I don't believe I need to bring myself to that low a level to begin with. Like I said in the post before, I don't believe that I'm desperate. So I'm not going. And how glad I am to be. Although the background part was fun.

To be on my wishlist: Creative Suite 4, Tablet. Macbook. Wow. Maybe, maybe not. IDK. But the first two, I want. Quoting a book I skimmed through before, I don't want to do illustrations on my computer with a bar of soap. And I think CS is bloody expensive, but I really want the original. And hopefully my EEE can take it. Its going to be, I repeat, bloody expensive, though. And I think by the time I'm ready to get it a CS 5 will come out or something, haha. But till then, its a CS 4 for me.

I need a gold mountain to get all those. But for some things, even a gold mountain won't work.

I know it isn't a choice, but can't I fantasize about it? At least I have a dream.