Felt quite angry. Okay maybe not only quite. Don't be offended by the following post, I really need to get it out before I face those same people with a smile. As usual. Since I'm in no position to go against them. Hurhur. As usual.

I don't know what the ____ you want me to do, you know. Its like, you're involving me for the sake of involving me for I don't know what freaking reason. I did what you told me to, but what the ____. All of it went down the drain. Come on, if you really had the heart to involve me then don't freaking treat me as though I'm dispensible. I don't even know if its the correct word but I don't give a damn. The least you could have done at the end was to tell me what you want of me, what you want me to do! And not freaking give me the choice to decide what I should do. I shouldn't even be wasting my time doing this, you jolly well know. Come on, who freaking wants to work on something besides studying now. But here I am, and you don't seem to be appreciating it.

Of course you say you do, but what do you treat me as? Like, I don't even know what's the point of me being there now, since you've got enough people already. More than enough. Come on, I'm not a portfolio-whore, I'm not testimonials-thirsty. If I'm not required; I'm not even saying that I'm wanted there, its if there isn't even a need for me to be there, I don't understand why you want to rope me in in the first place. I don't want to be there just cause you're guilty as well. I don't believe I deserve 'special treatment' (special indeed) just because you can't get over it.

Don't treat me like a slug or leech or whatever. I can find my own opportunities, I don't have to rely on others to be the middleman. Of course I will appreciate it, a lot, if anyone gives it to me. But I'm not that desperate. Yes, desperate's the word. I'm not freaking desperate to be involved in this. But you know, you're giving me the feeling that I precisely am desperate to beef up my portfolio, get higher exposure yada yada. Freak, I'm not. I'm not even going in the direction you think I'm going in. Don't expect the same from me as from other people.

Haha to you. Telling me to come up with a few ideas is perfectly fine. And I did. But the point is, you didn't even ask for my opinion about the ideas in the end. Fine, you're meeting deadlines, you're busy, there's a hundred million other reasons, logical and not. But I'm telling you, if you already had an idea, or gotten a professional to do it, please, spare me, the insignificant common being.

You can tell me I've got no ownership over this; yes I totally agree. I don't feel like taking ownership over this. What's the point if you want to be in control? If you really wanted something to be the objective, you would have let go off your hands. So of course I won't try to steal it from you. Maybe that would have been the better thing to do.

So I'm a leech huh. But its not like I'll want to offer anything anymore, since it seems as though you want to be in control of everything. You'll never know my idea, cause I'm bloody selfish enough not to voice it out. Maybe I'm afraid it'll fall through, or you'll just laugh at it, or patronize me by saying its a good idea but its too late to use it. Haha, I'm such a coward. I'm just afraid to voice out for something which I'm not even sure I have the right to.

Maybe all this is my fault. I could have been the one to bring it upon myself to do it. Yea, that's a likely explanation. Or maybe you were expecting me to do so. Well, I'll apologise, because I'm just that incapable to think for myself. I admit I have a single-tracked mind. Tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it for you. Maybe I just can't see the underlying intention of yours to put me at the top, but I'm sorry, I'm just not observant and motivated enough.

Probably someone else is. I know. But not me.

Or maybe you didn't even mean all this, just that I'm oversensitive and misinterpreted everything. Haha, sounds like something you'll tell me if I ever told you this. But oh well, that may jolly well be the whole truth of it.

Everything I do brings back bad memories. And they're like haunting me everyday. I need laughter. I need people. I need love. Just to keep me from insanity. And I think its been well so far, except for times when I'm alone. Its a disgusting feeling. Thinking about how others look at me. Haha, especially to all of you.

I know everyone is looking for the best. But when what you thought was the best turned out not to be the best, of course you'll be disappointed. You'll be disheartened. You'll feel betrayed. You'll feel hatred. You'll feel...biased. At least that's what I think, at least that's what I feel. And that's what I want to believe as the feelings that made all of you do all of that to me. Maybe you don't realise it. Maybe you think I won't notice it. Won't notice the difference, won't notice your distrust, won't notice your neglegence.

At first I try. I tried. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be. I really wanted. But I couldn't. I just wasn't cut out for it. I'm just not The One. And you believed I'll never be. And I started to believe I wasn't it. I wasn't the One you were looking for. I'll never be. I'm not resilient, I admit. I'm not strong enough, I admit too. But everything I've gone through just made me really upset. Maybe if you had just placed more trust in me, maybe let me try it out, maybe at least let me see whether I'm cut out for it. Or maybe even after all that I still won't change. But I never knew. I never knew how it was like. Or maybe, you intended for me to do all that, but you realised I wasn't ready. I'll never know.

But one thing I know, for sure: you'll never know how I feel when I'm not the one to do it. You'll never experience the kind of sadness, fear, anger, despair, jealousy, hatred when I see all these. No one will ever. I can't talk to anyone. I can't tell anyone.

Haha, I'm probably over-victimizing myself. And in the end, after peeling off the layers of onion skin, you realize that whatever's left is just rotten, you'll just think I'm a worst person then I ever was. And agree that all these things that happen only served as retribution for me. Maybe that's why I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I can't afford to show this side of me to anyone. I've got no courage to own up. To admit that I'm such a screwed up person. A hypocrite. A fake.

Like I've said before, I really like to wallow in self-pity. So let me indulge some more. And pray hard this retains some of my sanity.

I feel so lousy. I feel like I shouldn't be here. Maybe that's why I keep finding a reason to bail out from here. I've entertained a lot of thoughts, but I'm just too much of a coward to act. I'll probably tell them that I have too many responsiblities to let go off. And yes that's true. I don't want to be looked upon as an even worse person than I am now. And I don't want to disappoint those who still have expectations of me. I will try. At least I will try for those who still believe in me.

Its been a thoughful and depressing night. Obviously I won't go back to studying, sorry teachers, because I'm in a horrible mood to do anything but cry.

I really want to do something. Its a different path. An entirely different. And difficult path. Because I know I'm not cut out to be what you want be to become. But its becoming impossible now. I should have entertained the thought earlier. I should have told them. I should have done it. I should have argued for myself. I should have been there. I should have.

And don't patronize me. Don't tell me oh its just exam stress, you'll get over it. Oh you'll be fine. Oh you're just thinking too much. Yes I am thinking too much. But I'm 100% sure its not exam stress. Do I freaking look like I'm stressed about studying to you. Sorry to teachers, but no. I'm screwed but I don't feel stressed. Or maybe I do, but this masks it all.

And DON'T tell me I'll get over it. If I could, I would have done it long ago.

And till now I don't know whether I'll be fine. I think I can bring myself above all these, but part of me believes that I'm not capable enough to. And yes, I have no drive to. I'm a coward, I've said it a lot of times. Because I just want to run, run away from it all. I don't know. I'll just have to keep hoping I'll be fine.