Haha can you imagine, I spent damn alot of time trying to find a way to phrase it. But I don't have the freaking guts to do it. Please. Please give me the courage to do it. Just look at the state I'm in now. I feel like just crashing.

Oops. This wasn't meant to be emo post so I shall stop that crap. But yea it reminds me, AYG exhibition for our school should be over. Too bad I couldn't "pop by" to help out. Not like I would have been able to help much too, seeing as those students who made the presentation were already well-prepared enough. Kudos to them.

Haha I sound bitter. Yes I am. LOL. I could have been bloody missing block tests. Okay not for the presentations but for the LO thing. Grr. Not like it would matter to me anyway.

I can't mug for nuts. Its not like I want to anyway. I just need a reason. Correction, a valid reason. Urk. Just let me go insane, I'll probably make a better person.

Econs today, like I said, didn't let me feel much. Not as much as yesterday's paper. I totally didn't have the drive to write (come on, look at my essay) and I didn't even have the confidence to tell my mum I did okay. Like, I can totally predict I will fail. And I think she could sense my frustration. Good.

Was looking at someone's blog. Haha she's so motivated. And it just makes me feel bloody inferior. Oh but honestly, it just gives me more reason to do the things I want to do.

But I seem to keep missing out on the fact that I can't.

Shit, who can bring me back to reality? Or maybe its just me who doesn't want to come back to earth?

____, its back to Chemistry.

I really have no affinity with numbers.

I had to save my own phone number in my phone because I just couldn't remember. (Its still inside.)

I sometimes forget my house number.

I hate it when people ask me to sms them other peoples' numbers. I take around 2 to 3 times to look at the number before I can make sure its correct.

It'll probably take 10 consecutive calls to you before I actually remember your number.

Maybe I'm just not making enough effort to do it, but it seems to be a natural for most people. Guess I'm just abnormal. shrugs.

Anyway, I really got to go back to energetics. I feel like I'm doing physics.

What am I doing anyway? IDK.

I'm still dreaming, and that's the only thing I've been talking about since last week. But I seem to have missed quite a lot huh. I know I've got to at least get through this blocks before I think of anything else, and that "anything else" ultimately seems too far away.

And I'm happily wasting my life here.

Nothing wrong with being here actually. I kind of love it here. Its just...me. Haha Its kind of abstract.

I just hope she'll give me a chance. A chance to rebel.

Anyway I have decided to give up today. Its time to sleep early and wake up early to mug. How disgusting. :S See, its back.

I'm really sick and tired of what I'm doing. Go me. Last through this week. And pray hard everyday. I shall brace myself for a scolding and crying fits. But its now or never.

Go me. :D

I think its the people.

And the paper. GP has the ability to make you think and feel for what you're writing. (Although I'm perpetually failing, let's hope I won't do too badly this time. :S ) But it kind of rejuvenated me. Or at least it reignited what was extinguished lately. Like, I've got a motivation now. I've got lots of motivations now, actually, just thinking about what I want to do after blocks. Everything else can wait till then.

Feels kind of good to come to terms with reality. Its been a horrible past week.

But I won't forget it, of course. How could I forget my dream?

And I think education notes for GP has made me think through too. I want to do things because i love them and not just cause I want to achieve something. And I don't want to do things for the money, I want to feel my passion.

Its a lovely feeling to have a dream, gosh. I sound like Martin Luther King yea. But honestly, at least I feel like, I'm doing things for a reason. Okay maybe not all things; I don't think any miracle can rekindle my love for numbers. Oh wait, did I even have one in the first place? But yea, I've got nothing to say, its love. LOVE. :D

So before this adrenaline rush slips by, I shall take the time to enjoy studying.

For the first time in 1 month, I'm going to love studying. :D

Maybe I'm kidding myself. But man, this is a feeling not to forget.

Its such a torture doing something you won't even think you'll ever be doing even 3 years down the road.

Reading Education package was kind of inspiring. "Kind of", because its "kind of" unachievable. Oh well. I refuse to believe qualifications matter that much.

Maybe I was hoping for something when I talked to her today. Hoped. Seems like she got my point. Seems like she refuses to admit she did. IDK. At least she saw it. A burning inside.

I'm sad to say today was epic fail day. As usual. But you know, I kind of don't want to care anymore.

Know what I used to say holds my life together? Feels like its fallen apart for me as well. I've got practically nothing holding me back except for responsibilities. And pride. And comfort. I never knew. Or maybe I never wanted to believe it. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but look, is it working? It just makes me feel like I'm tearing parts of myself away to fit into that frame everyone admires.

And you know what? One thing I hate to hear from people is anything to do with me being smart. It turns me off. I'd rather not be. Maybe I can do the things I like then. Maybe I won't be stuck here. I won't know, I guess. But, please don't call me smart, if you really care about my feelings.

I really don't know. I need to talk to someone with ambition. I don't need pragmatism. Or more like, I need it but I don't want it. Its that kind of contradiction. I need some acknowledgment. I need some feedback. And then after all that, I guess I'll need some love.

I've found a new idol. Her story is striking. It makes me want to do the same. Can I? We'll see. For now, I'll find comfort in just following, and doing it my way.

At least I settled one thing I'm unsatisfied with. Its a cowardly way of solving it, but I don't believe I need to bring myself to that low a level to begin with. Like I said in the post before, I don't believe that I'm desperate. So I'm not going. And how glad I am to be. Although the background part was fun.

To be on my wishlist: Creative Suite 4, Tablet. Macbook. Wow. Maybe, maybe not. IDK. But the first two, I want. Quoting a book I skimmed through before, I don't want to do illustrations on my computer with a bar of soap. And I think CS is bloody expensive, but I really want the original. And hopefully my EEE can take it. Its going to be, I repeat, bloody expensive, though. And I think by the time I'm ready to get it a CS 5 will come out or something, haha. But till then, its a CS 4 for me.

I need a gold mountain to get all those. But for some things, even a gold mountain won't work.

I know it isn't a choice, but can't I fantasize about it? At least I have a dream.

Live the life you want. Just saw this on Qian Wen's blog. Haha, I really want to. But I can't.

I don't know what's this feeling inside. What's this burning pain. And I don't want to know, because it'll just make it worse. I think I can pull through. But will it be me? I don't feel like me now. I don't even know what's me.

Its been a long day, its been unaccomplished and I feel like I could just sleep it all away. But I can't. I simply can't. Something can happen. Anything.

It hurts. Everywhere hurts. But I don't mind it hurting. At least I know I'm still here.

All rights. I'm not in the mood to do anything.

It hurts, you know?

I'm reading your blog. I'm crying. I'm still reading your blog.

And I wonder, maybe its my own wishful thinking, the reason that I treat you as an important friend, is because we have the same fate. Or yours is even more painful than mine. But what attracts me to you, is probably knowing that you have a scar in your heart. Just like mine. Just that yours is way deeper and way more painful. But we're trying, right? We're laughing like madwomen, we're joking, we're slacking, we're trying to build up a self to show others. Maybe you're getting out of it, maybe you're not. But we never ever tell each other outright. We drop in a few lines here and there, and we acknowledge it. Because we both know nothing can heal it. Maybe even the best healer, time, can't do it.

Like I said, maybe its just wishful thinking on my part. But I hope you feel so too.

I laugh, I go crazy, I smile. Maybe everything I do was sincere when I did it; the laughters, the smiles, the jokes. But when I go back to being alone, everything just isn't normal. Maybe we're similar, or maybe you're stronger than I am.

But I really want to thank you for being there. For trying this out with me. For loving me as a friend and for me to love you as a friend.

Thank you.

Felt quite angry. Okay maybe not only quite. Don't be offended by the following post, I really need to get it out before I face those same people with a smile. As usual. Since I'm in no position to go against them. Hurhur. As usual.

I don't know what the ____ you want me to do, you know. Its like, you're involving me for the sake of involving me for I don't know what freaking reason. I did what you told me to, but what the ____. All of it went down the drain. Come on, if you really had the heart to involve me then don't freaking treat me as though I'm dispensible. I don't even know if its the correct word but I don't give a damn. The least you could have done at the end was to tell me what you want of me, what you want me to do! And not freaking give me the choice to decide what I should do. I shouldn't even be wasting my time doing this, you jolly well know. Come on, who freaking wants to work on something besides studying now. But here I am, and you don't seem to be appreciating it.

Of course you say you do, but what do you treat me as? Like, I don't even know what's the point of me being there now, since you've got enough people already. More than enough. Come on, I'm not a portfolio-whore, I'm not testimonials-thirsty. If I'm not required; I'm not even saying that I'm wanted there, its if there isn't even a need for me to be there, I don't understand why you want to rope me in in the first place. I don't want to be there just cause you're guilty as well. I don't believe I deserve 'special treatment' (special indeed) just because you can't get over it.

Don't treat me like a slug or leech or whatever. I can find my own opportunities, I don't have to rely on others to be the middleman. Of course I will appreciate it, a lot, if anyone gives it to me. But I'm not that desperate. Yes, desperate's the word. I'm not freaking desperate to be involved in this. But you know, you're giving me the feeling that I precisely am desperate to beef up my portfolio, get higher exposure yada yada. Freak, I'm not. I'm not even going in the direction you think I'm going in. Don't expect the same from me as from other people.

Haha to you. Telling me to come up with a few ideas is perfectly fine. And I did. But the point is, you didn't even ask for my opinion about the ideas in the end. Fine, you're meeting deadlines, you're busy, there's a hundred million other reasons, logical and not. But I'm telling you, if you already had an idea, or gotten a professional to do it, please, spare me, the insignificant common being.

You can tell me I've got no ownership over this; yes I totally agree. I don't feel like taking ownership over this. What's the point if you want to be in control? If you really wanted something to be the objective, you would have let go off your hands. So of course I won't try to steal it from you. Maybe that would have been the better thing to do.

So I'm a leech huh. But its not like I'll want to offer anything anymore, since it seems as though you want to be in control of everything. You'll never know my idea, cause I'm bloody selfish enough not to voice it out. Maybe I'm afraid it'll fall through, or you'll just laugh at it, or patronize me by saying its a good idea but its too late to use it. Haha, I'm such a coward. I'm just afraid to voice out for something which I'm not even sure I have the right to.

Maybe all this is my fault. I could have been the one to bring it upon myself to do it. Yea, that's a likely explanation. Or maybe you were expecting me to do so. Well, I'll apologise, because I'm just that incapable to think for myself. I admit I have a single-tracked mind. Tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it for you. Maybe I just can't see the underlying intention of yours to put me at the top, but I'm sorry, I'm just not observant and motivated enough.

Probably someone else is. I know. But not me.

Or maybe you didn't even mean all this, just that I'm oversensitive and misinterpreted everything. Haha, sounds like something you'll tell me if I ever told you this. But oh well, that may jolly well be the whole truth of it.

Everything I do brings back bad memories. And they're like haunting me everyday. I need laughter. I need people. I need love. Just to keep me from insanity. And I think its been well so far, except for times when I'm alone. Its a disgusting feeling. Thinking about how others look at me. Haha, especially to all of you.

I know everyone is looking for the best. But when what you thought was the best turned out not to be the best, of course you'll be disappointed. You'll be disheartened. You'll feel betrayed. You'll feel hatred. You'll feel...biased. At least that's what I think, at least that's what I feel. And that's what I want to believe as the feelings that made all of you do all of that to me. Maybe you don't realise it. Maybe you think I won't notice it. Won't notice the difference, won't notice your distrust, won't notice your neglegence.

At first I try. I tried. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be. I really wanted. But I couldn't. I just wasn't cut out for it. I'm just not The One. And you believed I'll never be. And I started to believe I wasn't it. I wasn't the One you were looking for. I'll never be. I'm not resilient, I admit. I'm not strong enough, I admit too. But everything I've gone through just made me really upset. Maybe if you had just placed more trust in me, maybe let me try it out, maybe at least let me see whether I'm cut out for it. Or maybe even after all that I still won't change. But I never knew. I never knew how it was like. Or maybe, you intended for me to do all that, but you realised I wasn't ready. I'll never know.

But one thing I know, for sure: you'll never know how I feel when I'm not the one to do it. You'll never experience the kind of sadness, fear, anger, despair, jealousy, hatred when I see all these. No one will ever. I can't talk to anyone. I can't tell anyone.

Haha, I'm probably over-victimizing myself. And in the end, after peeling off the layers of onion skin, you realize that whatever's left is just rotten, you'll just think I'm a worst person then I ever was. And agree that all these things that happen only served as retribution for me. Maybe that's why I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I can't afford to show this side of me to anyone. I've got no courage to own up. To admit that I'm such a screwed up person. A hypocrite. A fake.

Like I've said before, I really like to wallow in self-pity. So let me indulge some more. And pray hard this retains some of my sanity.

I feel so lousy. I feel like I shouldn't be here. Maybe that's why I keep finding a reason to bail out from here. I've entertained a lot of thoughts, but I'm just too much of a coward to act. I'll probably tell them that I have too many responsiblities to let go off. And yes that's true. I don't want to be looked upon as an even worse person than I am now. And I don't want to disappoint those who still have expectations of me. I will try. At least I will try for those who still believe in me.

Its been a thoughful and depressing night. Obviously I won't go back to studying, sorry teachers, because I'm in a horrible mood to do anything but cry.

I really want to do something. Its a different path. An entirely different. And difficult path. Because I know I'm not cut out to be what you want be to become. But its becoming impossible now. I should have entertained the thought earlier. I should have told them. I should have done it. I should have argued for myself. I should have been there. I should have.

And don't patronize me. Don't tell me oh its just exam stress, you'll get over it. Oh you'll be fine. Oh you're just thinking too much. Yes I am thinking too much. But I'm 100% sure its not exam stress. Do I freaking look like I'm stressed about studying to you. Sorry to teachers, but no. I'm screwed but I don't feel stressed. Or maybe I do, but this masks it all.

And DON'T tell me I'll get over it. If I could, I would have done it long ago.

And till now I don't know whether I'll be fine. I think I can bring myself above all these, but part of me believes that I'm not capable enough to. And yes, I have no drive to. I'm a coward, I've said it a lot of times. Because I just want to run, run away from it all. I don't know. I'll just have to keep hoping I'll be fine.

I'm getting nowhere, what the shit. ><

Can they pity us and just let us have a longer holiday? ):

Guess not. ):

Ahh. Back to periodic table. (Yes, I'm still there. What the crap right. And Bio is epic fail. :S )

I'm starting to reconsider my choices. Hurhur. A little late seeing what other choice I have, but I think its better for me. I really don't enjoy this. Erps.

I desperately need to draw. Yes, draw. Darn. Can the internet go down. I'm bloody distracted. ><

I'm out of sweets. And I finished close to a box of honey stars today. And I'm still lagging. Freak me.

Okay I was saying I should be off.

Yes I should be off. ):

Anyways, I can safely say I'm the most ill-prepared for block test. Haha. I've been slacking all day long lah.

And I totally forgot about this post until 12.05am. Haha was happily fangirling. ZHANG YUN JING! :D

Hearts hearts hearts. :D

I want the second version second version second version!

OMG OMG OMG. Haha IdolM just replied that they have! WHAT THE SHIT! WOOHOOOOOOOOOO.

Haha I don't understand why I want the second version so much also. Haha since I have the MVs liao. But I guess its the feeling of owning it. :D I think I give them a lot of money liao. Hahaha. And I think my Choc7 album coming liao. :D Woohoo.

Ooh and I totally need a trip to kino. Just realised she's on covers for fans, play and colour! GOOSE. I'll be broke man.

OH AND I BOUGHT BLACK THICK FRAME SPECS. Haha now no one can laugh that I'm ah pek. Lol. Its such a childish reason to get them, but eh, very irritating okay. Haha. But the specs are NICEEEEE. My mum was stunned when she saw how it looked like. I'm getting them on Wednesday! :D

Spent so much money this holiday. Grah. :S Bought a lot of clothes and animes in Malaysia. :D Damn happy! :D

Oh and I suddenly remember, no wonder the name sounded familiar. Sexy Diamond's opening at Heeren I think. :D I quite like their shirts. :D

Okay I shall go watch TV. Good bye! :D

Went out with Joleen today. As ordinary as can be, as slack and nua as can be. :P

Went to eat Ajisen. Nice nice. And Joleen treated me. WOOHOO. :D Thanks pok! :D

Went to Coffeebean. Slacked + nuaed like nobody's business.

Went to Macs. Slacked + nuaed like nobody's business.

Haha and in the middle did lots of window shopping. Not bad. :D And I feel as hermit as ever. Hahaha. As Joleen will know.

Went to Vivo after that. AND MET MS LIN. Haha but long story before we met. LOL.

PAGEONE FREAKING ROCKS. Bought another 3 Chinese books. Cause they were having this promotion; when you buy 3 Chinese books the cheapest one will be free. :D I bought 6 at one go the other time. Nice Nice. GIDDENS! :D ITS BLOODY ADDICTIVE. :P

And there was this Thailand tourism fair or something. Bought clothes there. Pretty and cheap. :D AND I WANT A LOT OF STUFF FROM PULL AND BEAR. ):

Going to Malaysia tomorrow. Hopefully got lots of nice clothes there. Joleen and I agreed that both of us need a wardrobe makeover. Pray hard it'll happen there. :D

My birthday'll be over in 45 minutes. Haha shall treasure it while it lasts.

Okay after fangirling I feel much happier. (:

Oh and thanks to my team who celebrated my birthday! :D The present is damn nice. (: Thanks! :D

AND LET ME TELL YOU. OUR BOARD IS FREAKING NICE OKAY. To quote Qian Wen's ah lian language, it is damn CHIO. :D Please kindly wait for its opening on 29 June when school reopens. And we totally gave up on that half a piece of glass. -.-

Jo outing tomorrow! Damn excited. I don't think we'll study though. Haha seeing how much we gossip. ><><>

And I'm going Malaysia on Friday Friday Friday. SHOOOOOOOOP. I was damn angry when I couldn't find the damn nice jacket at NET anymore. ): Its damn pretty okay. Grah. Nevermind. I'll find a nicer one there. :D

My mugging progress is probably 1%. I just started on Econs yesterday. DANG. How am I going to finish everything?!

I am still very excited over my CDs. :D Big smiles. :D

Oh and people keep telling me I've slimmed down. YAYS. Unintentional, but still, YAY. :D I shall go weigh later. But I can feel I'm going to get my thing soon. So not accurate. HAHA.

Okay I shall go nua around somemore. GOODBYEEEEES.